Confessions of a PK Part 3: Moving On...

It's Thursday, 2:12am and I work in a few hours... I'm up... I'm wide awake... sleep has not come easy the last few days.

From the time I started this blog series, I knew it would be 3 parts and I knew the last part would be titled "moving on"... what I didn't know was how much significance that title would have in this very moment.. the  very moment I take my fingers to the keyboard and write it. In all of the craziness of the last six days, I just needed to write.. so here I am, at 2am, writing because I really need to.

My Grandfather... my awesome, kind, funny, loving, Welo left this earth on Friday. He went home to be with God and I am so, so, happy for him. I wonder what he must be doing right now? I have been wondering a lot and wishing I could just catch a glimpse of him walking.. whole... healthy and free down the golden streets of heaven. You see.. there are many, many things that I doubt in my life. I struggle with all sorts of doubt. I doubt who I am, I doubt where I am going, I doubt God even at times... but one thing I am absolutely certain of is that my grandfather is in heaven. Because, yes, I believe there is a heaven and if anyone can get in - he can. That man's faith was more real than anything and this certainty that I have is the only thing giving me peace.

Because losing someone you love is crazy hard. I know he was old, and I know he was sick.. and I thought I was prepared to lose him.. but I wasn't, I really wasn't and I still am not. Truthfully, I want him back. I want to rub his bald head and I want to tell him I love you... and I so desperately want to hear him say "I love you too" except he really would say it "I loo juuu tooo" and it was perfect.

But that's the thing.. I can't. I have to move on and it really, really sucks. I remember when I decided it was time for me to move on from my Grandfather's church. The man was a Pastor and I lived under his roof. On Sundays we all went to church together and I decided I needed to go my own way. Trust me, it was a big deal. I was terrified to talk with him about it... I didn't want to hurt him. There were things about my faith that I was questioning and there were convictions that became crystal clear.. and I wasn't going to grow if I didn't move on.

I'd learned how to love Jesus in my Grandfather's church. I'd accept Christ as my personal savior in Sunday School. He was my Pastor not just in that church but at home too. He was also my Dad... and I didn't know how to separate the two or even if I could. One day, I stood home from work and Welo was alone in the living room.. I decided to talk to him about things and to my surprise, he already knew what I was going to say.

That day, Welo told me that my destiny was a great one. He said that he always knew I would move on one day. He told me "April, you have a calling for nations inside of you"... I wasn't sure what that meant at the time but it is something that has become more clear through the years. He told me to move on and that it was okay. He made me promise him to not forget what I had learned and to never give up because this world has nothing to offer me... that was always his focus.. what are you investing in eternity? So many things in this world are fleeting, but eternity.. eternity is what matters.  That conversation was one of the last heart to hearts that we had and I will always treasure it.

It was that talk that helped me to move on...  and now, I wish I could have one last talk with him... so that I can move on .. but I can't. I have to find the strength, I have to pray for the strength and honestly I have no idea how I am going to do it. I wish I could end this more eloquently but I  guess that is all I have to say.

I miss my Welo so much...

Family Day at the park.

Spring will come...

“	Relationships are a lot like flowers. If you find the right seed, put it in good soil, give it water and sunlight, bam. Perfect bud. And then comes winter and the flower dies. But if you tend that garden, spring will come along and that flower will bloom again.	”
—Finn to Rachel, I Do. I love the show - Glee... I am total Gleek and do not miss an episode. Recently, Finn said the above words to Rachel and it really got me thinking about Spring. After months of a cold, grey winter it brings so much comfort to know that Spring will come. That even if you cannot see the flower, the seed you know is planted beneath the cold, icy soil will eventually bloom again. It isn't a question, it isn't a possibility... it is a certainty.  There are so many seeds trapped beneath the icy soil in my life right now. Seeds that have once been in full bloom, seeds that are old, seeds that are new and have not yet had a chance to grow. I have been in the season of "winter" not just literally but in every other sense and I am comforted because very soon, MY SPRING WILL COME.  It can be tough to face change, uncertainty and even the death of something in our lives. A job, a relationship, a door that closes before we can see any new one opening up... but I can say that I know for sure these times are necessary. Time to reflect, time to pray, time to regroup is just necessary. I am not a big fan of the winter but I know it is a necessary time. I've recently been through quite a winter and I knew from the moment it started that it is exactly what I needed. I am not saying it hasn't been difficult or that I've enjoyed it... the winter is gloomy, cold, empty even. But I am saying that I know I needed a winter of my very own. A time to snuggle underneath the covers and talk to God because after-all, it is only a season.  And I sit here in anticipation of my Spring... because I know it will be here soon....Tend that garden, spring will come along and that flower will bloom again. For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone;The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land;The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. Song of Solomon 2:11-13

Perspective

per·spec·tive  

/pərˈspektiv/

Noun

A picture drawn in such a way, esp. one appearing to enlarge or extend the actual space, or to give the effect of distance.

I've always loved the arts... I love to spend my time immersed in music, theater and literature. I love a good story and whether I am listening to a favorite song or reading an exciting book, it's all about the good stories. That's probably why I love to write.. I need to write... because there's always a story to tell. While I appreciate fine art and love to visit museums to look at paintings and drawings, I have no artistic talent whatsoever. Just ask my Sunday School students -- I am known for silly stick-figures. 

I have to admit that drawing and painting is something I've always wished I could do. When I think about perspective, I actually envy artists. The ability to paint a picture in such a way that actually changes the way the eye will view it... I think that is an amazing ability. I wish I could pick up a pencil and do that... I wish I could change perspective not just on paper, but in life. 

Because really... it's all about your perspective isn't it? Whether you choose to count your hardships or count your blessings, whether the glass is half full or half empty, your own personal vista of the world and life around you. Vista... I think that will be my word for 2013.

There is a God who loves me...

Grace like rain ... I can dance in it, I can play in it, I am constantly washed with it.. Hallelujah!

 I have an unconditionally loving partnership with the world's best husband... 

I have a small, tight circle of friends who support me even in my darkest hours... 

I have a roof over my head, a warm blanket to hide under at night, and food on my table... 

I have a job in this crazy economy and a generous employer who God has used to supply all my needs... 

I have coffee... every day.... yes, it is a big deal. 

I have a happy, healthy little boy who is home safe...

I simply cannot find the strength to write an entire blog post about this, but when reading about the devastating loss of 20 BABIES in Connecticut this week, I find it hard to complain about any of my own hardships. This weekend I got to ride the carousel with my baby. He lit up as soon as he saw the thing... he was so happy! After his ride he got a stamp on his hand of a horse and even now (days later) he runs up to show it to me with pride. What a blessing that I am able to enjoy my sweet, innocent, perfect little baby. My heart is heavy and I am praying for those parents who have had to say goodbye to their babies. 

Even as I face some of the hardest times I've ever had to, as I cry and try to pick up the pieces of so much brokenness,  I simply cannot change my perspective..

My perspective... my vista...  life is pretty blessed... pretty full... pretty amazing and I won't stop feeling grateful for it. Through it all, I am glad to have some perspective because there are so many reasons to smile.

XO,

I was Sweet Sixteen...

I wasn't feeling well and decided to stay home from school that day...  I still planned to make it to my part-time job at a law firm a few towns away. I woke up and smelled coffee that my grandfather had made and headed to the kitchen to grab a cup. My grandmother was sitting in front of the television, crying and holding her face in her hands. Immediately, I felt a sense of "something is very, very wrong". When I asked her what was the matter, she pointed to the television and there it was...


A plane had crashed into the world trade center... the twin towers...  people were scrambling, desperate to make it out... even jumping from  the building. My heart threatened to come right up out of my chest and my knees started to buckle. How could something like this happen? I thought we were safe here?

After the shock settled in, I realized something even scarier than all of this ... my mother was working on 17th street in Manhattan. My mom had gone to work that morning and we hadn't heard from her. I picked up the phone, fumbled over the keypad and typed in her office number. Busy... busy...  I tried her cell phone... busy... I tried to call my boyfriend's phone... busy...  I couldn't  get in touch with anyone and I had no idea what was going on outside my home.

Were we under attack?
Would more buildings be destroyed?
Who was doing this?

My mind and heart racing, I started to get dressed. I would take my grandmother's car and drive into Manhattan (I had no license) if that is what it took. I would find my mom and bring her home. Hysterical, tears flowing down my face I finally remembered that I could pray.

That was one of the first conversations I had ever had with God where I really wasn't sure he was listening... where I really doubted him ...  Even through all the turmoil of my childhood, I had that innocent blind faith in God and knew he would take care of me and my family... this time, I wasn't so sure.

The truth is, God did take care of my family that day. My mom walked 6 hours from Manhattan along with countless others that day. She was safe.. my loved ones were safe and no-one I knew died in the towers that day. But still, too many of my fellow New Yorkers did... too many lost a Mother, or a Father... a Son or a Daughter...  and we would never be the same.

The truth is, God did take care of all of them too... even if not in the way we would have chosen. He holds this world in the palm of his hands and it is not always easy, but we have to choose to believe that.  For those lost and for ourselves... we can't loose faith, we can't stop saying as a nation --  "In God we Trust".

Never forget September 11th, 2011 ... but never lose FAITH... he is present, he is constant, he will never leave us.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you. (Isaiah 26:3)

Mother's Day Week: Selfishness gets a Reality Check

 As selfishness and complaint pervert the mind, so love with its joy clears and sharpens the vision. --Helen Keller

 This weekend is Mother's Day and I have lots of thoughts and feelings about it so I think I will write about them in a series of posts. Two, maybe three leading up to Mother's Day and of course a recap of how my celebrations went!

Something I've really been thinking about though has been selfishness. And not the kind that people usually talk about. Not the self-centered, narcissistic, lack of empathy kind that you immediately know is wrong. While that kind of selfishness certainly is out there, it isn't the kind that has me thinking. No, I'm thinking about our basic needs and desires .. the "selfishness" we exhibit on a daily basis by simply fulfilling those wants and needs.

There are times every single day, where I have put my own needs above other people. This is not something that anyone would say is wrong it is simply necessary. For example: if I have not had lunch and am hungry, but my friends want to go out I will say "I need to eat first". I have a basic need to fulfill and currently, that need goes above what others may want. You wouldn't normally call that selfishness, but according to the definition it does qualify. Sometimes it is necessary to put our own needs on the front lines.. it is prioritizing those needs along with the needs of others that can get tricky. Most people struggle with this in one way or another and I am sure you can think of times when you thought you needed to "take care of yourself" but took that a little too far. That is where selfishness overpowers empathy and consideration for others. That is where it can ugly!

Since I became a mom, I have been amazed at how quickly my selfishness has been cut out of the picture. There is simply no room for it anymore .. My basic needs and desires that I had once put on the front lines, have taken a back seat to the needs and desires of someone else and in every possible way imaginable! When my son needs something, there is no telling him "I need to eat first" or even "I need to use the bathroom first" --- now that's a reality check!

My basic needs for sleep, food, warmth, shelter, can all be met AFTER I have met them for Aiden. I'm sure many moms can relate when they think of the times they couldn't take a shower or had to scarf down a bowl of cereal because the baby needed them. Well, what has that done for your selfishness?

For me, it has caused me to see the world through completely different eyes. It has changed the way I relate to people, it has changed my reaction to news or even a sad movie.. it has changed my tolerance for others and the depth of my relationships. More importantly, it has caused me to see myself through different eyes. When I am willing to wipe the slate clean and put every  need and desire away to take care of my son, when I look at him and know that I would give up my very own life for him, I can see myself through eyes that are not my own.

My selfishness has changed since becoming a mother and that transition has not always been easy...  Sometimes a long shower or a trip to the nail salon has helped to balance things out.. but still, there is nothing that could be more important than taking care of that little boy of mine.. knowing he is happy and healthy is more than I could ever hope for.

Another Year Older: Thinking of Him ...

I think the picture on the left looks so much like Aiden! I was such a little ham!

In about a week, it's my birthday! I am always excited about my birthday (who isn't) because it is an opportunity to celebrate reaching another year of life. Life is such a blessing and my life, I can honestly say has been incredible. This year has brought so many blessings my way!

Becoming another year older also causes me to be a bit pensive. I've been thinking about all of the things I want to accomplish during my time here on earth and I've been thinking about the 27 years I've spent here... and this week, I've been thinking a lot about my Dad.

I know some pretty amazing young dads... my husband for one! I have lots of friends who have daughters and I love seeing the relationships my friends have with their girls. That Daddy-Daughter relationship is so important. I am a firm believer that if a girl has a healthy relationship with her Dad, she learns how a man should treat her and what to look for in a potential husband one day.

My journey has not been ideal in that regard. There is still so much I am dealing with but I can honestly and truly say for the first time that I feel PEACE when it comes to my dad. We still don't have a relationship... we probably chat on the phone once every couple of months. He usually isn't sober when he calls which really doesn't help the situation. My heart truly breaks for him because no matter what, I love him and want the best for him.

I don't have many memories of alone time with him... there was this one time he came to my school to see me read a book I had written.. that moment is special for me because being a writer has always been an aspiration of mine from very young.. and when my "book" was chosen to be read I was so excited. I remember going up to sit in the "author's chair" and read .. and I remember looking at my dad's face in the audience... he was BEAMING with pride. That is a wonderful moment I will always treasure.

For my own peace of mind, I need to hold on to these good moments. I need to keep pressing forward and choosing to forgive him. It is bittersweet because we cannot have a real relationship, but I understand why and I continue to pray for my Dad. My hope is that if we couldn't know each other much here on earth, that we could spend countless moments together in eternity.

Ironically, this song by John Mayer came up on my Pandora this morning:

Daughters by John Mayer

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made 

Come on, you know those shades are cool.

Young days in Arizona

With God's help and the love & support of so many wonderful people in my life... I have cleaned up the mess... and I will continually do so. "I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." - Philippians 3:13.

XO,

I Will Always Love Whitney ...

I have been so busy and haven't had a chance to post about this, but with her funeral being televised over the weekend, I just had to get this up. I am still completely in shock that one of the most amazing singers of our time has passed so tragically.

She debuted in 1985 - the year I was born and I literally grew up with Whitney Houston's music being the "soundtrack to my life". In the 2nd grade I performed my first solo in the school talent show -- "The Greatest Love of All" and I'll admit, all I did in that moment was pretend to be Whitney. My cousins and I used to sing "I Have Nothing" and "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" while dancing around in the back yard ... and don't even get me started on "I Will Always Love You". It is so exhilarating to crank that song up high and belt out (or attempt to) those beautiful lyrics with her. Whitney's was one of the most amazing voices to touch this earth and I honestly do not think we will ever see a talent quite like hers again.

Aside from all of that though... she was a person. A mother, a daughter, a wife, a friend. Not to me obviously but to some and I am so very sorry for their loss. She grew up in the baptist church and just from watching interviews over the years, I could see that she knew a relationship with Jesus. I hope and pray that she somehow held onto that and that God brought her home at the very end.

The funeral service was beautiful... I particularly enjoyed what Tyler Perry shared. Take a look/ listen below.

What NOT to Balance + Relationships & Emotions = Eternity

The second part of the "Balance" series at my church was in a word... overflowing?  I feel like part one was the top slice of bread on a very meaty, cheesy, flavorful sandwich. Ughh now I'm hungry - focus April!Anyway, I think that if any of the sermons will contain "April-isms" this one certainly did. My Pastor talked about Relationships AND Emotions in the same hour! It's funny because all I could keep thinking was "how am I going to blog my way through this?" You've had your warning, just bare with me here. The bible story we read was about Mary and her sister Martha -- Luke 10: 38-41

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.

In this story, Mary and Martha are having a visit with Jesus. They could not be more different in their approach to making Jesus feel loved and valued in their home. Martha was running around preparing her home so that it would be perfect for Jesus' visit, while Mary was just sitting at his feet, listening and hanging on every word that he said. I totally think Martha was OCD but that is just a theory. Anyway, when reading about these two women, I can see pieces of myself in both of them and for different reasons. I love to have people come over and create a relaxing and fun environment for my guests. I usually clean up the house, put out snacks and light the scented candles. I am absolutely mortified if someone drops by unannounced because I did not  have time to prepare for their visit. In this, I can totally relate to Martha and why she was so adamant about making her home perfect for the Lord's visit. But then there is Mary ... 

Reading about her made me think back to when my husband (then, boyfriend) would come over to my house to visit. I lived at home with my mom and grandparents so we rarely ever got privacy and visits never seemed like they were long enough. When he would come over, I dropped everything to sit with him on the sofa and talk or watch a movie. Many times, a lot needed to be done around the house but I was just so happy to be with someone I loved... I wanted to soak up every minute we had before it was time for him to leave. I imagine Mary sitting there at the feet of Jesus and I think I can relate to her too.

What NOT to balance...
"God is not to be balanced"

Among the three people in this story, the first relationship here is the one between Mary and Jesus. He was obviously someone she loved (NO I am not getting all "Da Vincci Code" here) .. he was her teacher, the son of God, her soon to be savior and she valued every word that came out of his mouth. She gave all of who she was over in that moment to just soak up her time with Jesus. My pastor said it best - "Martha opened up her home to Jesus, but Mary opened up her heart."

In my constant search for balance, there is one thing that I don't need to balance... and that is my relationship with God. You see, I can't divide my life up into this perfectly sliced pie and make JESUS one of the slices. He is the pan that holds the whole pie together.. (doh!, there goes another food reference)  He is not to be balanced. I found such freedom in this and such comfort also.

... cont..."She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”



Relationships...
"Effective communication and boundaries"

The next relationship in this story to look at is the one between Mary and Martha. Martha was obviously frustrated that Mary was not doing her share of the work and she made it clear when she complained to Jesus about it. So what was the problem with that? Martha was upset at Mary and instead of talking to Mary she talked to a third party about it. Boooooo Martha!! LOL

I have reacted exactly like Martha in moments when I am upset at a friend and let me tell you, it never, ever makes things better. There is so much about myself that I have been asking God to help me change and this is one of those things. Gossip is the kind of sin that sneaks up on you and once I share a frustration with another person (who is not the person I am frustrated with), a downward spiral ensues. In that same token, I have also been on Mary's side of things where someone who is mad at me, does not come to tell me but rather tells someone else about it...If I'm being honest, the latter tends to be more prevalent in my life for some reason... so, here's the problem with that -- it always comes back around and then I feel pretty darn crappy about it.  Why do we fall into this crazy cycle? It creates such imbalance in our relationships. Honesty and communication are so important. I would rather have a conversation that gets a little ugly, than have no conversation at all.

So here's what really spoke to me about all of this --- BOUNDARIES. My Pastor highlighted the fact that despite Martha's behavior, she did not allow herself to be swayed or manipulated because she established the appropriate boundaries... that is an area I really need to work on! I will admit that I tend to have an "approval addiction" and it is so difficult for me to deal with not being accepted by someone. It really comes with being more secure with myself and creating emotional boundaries. Relationships without boundaries are destined for imbalance. It is a truth that may be difficult to accept, but one that I am slowly  but surely learning.

...cont...“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,

Emotions...
"Anger and Anxiousness"

What are the two main emotions that throw us off balance? Yep, anger and anxiousness. I experience a little of those probably too often and that is something I am committed to working on. The bible says "do not worry about tomorrow"... I mean, how much stress and heartache do we add on to our lives by worrying? My husband calls me "the worry-bug" and I am determined to change that for 2012!

but Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”


Eternity...

At the end of it all... eternity is in the balance. Mary's decision to open up her heart to Jesus was what I like to call an "eternity decision". It's so easy to get wrapped up in life and the many things we are facing on a daily basis. It's so easy to let eternity get lost in the shuffle... but as a Christian, what I am saying is - I am a follower of Jesus, this is what I believe and this is my goal for eternity..  maybe I need to stop focusing too much on all of my "life decisions" and start making some "eternity decisions".

Well, that was my take on Part Two. I am learning so much guys, and blogging through it is really helping me reflect. Thanks for reading.

BALANCE Ya'll!! =)

Wrong Timing, Wrong People, Wrong Foundation...

In an effort to figure out why things have felt so imbalanced in my life, I am reflecting on the first part of my church's new series - Finding Balance! Yesterday, my Pastor spoke about 3 things that create imbalance in our lives and what a way to start! I was kind of blown away and this was only the first part of the teaching series so I cannot wait for the rest. So here are the 3 things -- Wrong Timing, Wrong People, Wrong Foundation.

Wrong Timing
"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven".- Ecclesiastes 3:1

He gave an example of when he first felt the call to Pastor a church. He had just gotten married and when he approached his wife with the idea, she said "no" - she did not feel this was the time to take on such a huge calling. Although he admits that he did not see eye to eye with his wife, he realizes now that timing is everything and had he attempted to start up a church while still starting up a marriage, one of those two would have failed. Needless to say, both are entirely too important for that.  While I haven't been called to plant a church or start a ministry in Africa, I can certainly relate to this feeling in regards to timing. So much in my life has happened when I didn't think it was "the time" and there is so much I have taken on not at the right time as well. This week, I am focusing on TIMING and praying that God can help me figure out what it's time for but more importantly - what it is NOT the time for. Becoming a mother has changed my outlook on so many things but it has also made making decisions a lot more complicated. What I decide not only affects me, or my husband now but it affects our son. How can I, as a 26 year old align myself with the "season" God has me in? I can't go out and party, I barely ever eat in restaurants or see movies in the theater... I'm a new mom and it definitely sets me apart from my peers. Honestly, it was my plan to still be in that "party season" of life... I thought I'd be finishing up a graduate degree, working and hanging with friends on weekends... but things have turned out differently. I am not complaining at all! I ADORE my son and my family life... but finding balance during this season, embracing this TIME has not always been easy. I feel like with the timing thing, it is really about establishing priorities and that is where I plan to do some housekeeping in my own life.
 
Wrong People
  "And so, dear friends, since you already know these things, continually be on your guard not to be carried away by the deception of lawless people. Otherwise, you may fall from your secure position." - 2 Peter 3:17

He gave a really great illustration that literally brought tears to my eyes. He had one of the guys come up and attempt to balance on the edge of the stage. When the young man took a few steps, my Pastor would push him off. Over and over he tried it and obviously couldn't balance because he was being pushed. There is a similar thing that happens when we choose to be around the wrong people. There are those people in our lives who will help us balance, give us a hand and be there to see us get across... and sadly, there are those who will whether intentionally or unintentionally push us. I've made the mistake of allowing the wrong people too close of a place in my life... most times because I felt so insecure and just wanted to be liked and accepted. But it has gotten to the point of a "drowning feeling" because these were not the people who would want to see me get across and keep my balance. At least not in the areas that I needed to. I think God sends the RIGHT people into our lives based on what we need, the season we are in and how those relationships can grow us. 2011 was an extremely defining year for me in relationships. I am feeling really good about the people around me and I am so grateful that God helped me get on track with the right people for my life. It definitely hurts when moving on from relationships at times but what I am learning is that I don't need to work so hard for every one's approval. I can be ME and the right people will be there to support me, sharpen me, and help me keep my balance.
 
Wrong Foundation
  "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." - Psalm 18:2

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock". - Matthew 7:24-25

This one is simple -- my faith! He used the example of a little girl walking in her mother's high heels. She will stumble and fall not because she does not know how to walk, but because of what is under her feet! What is under my feet? Are they set on the rock? Who is the rock? I know that keeping my faith, cultivating a strong relationship with God and staying focused on that is what sets my feet on the rock. I know that even if I lose track in Timing... and even if I give in with the wrong People, my foundation can never be anyone other than Jesus. The minute I start to rely on someone else, something else... the minute I start to place another person or a career, or even my own Son as the foundation of my life, that is when balance CANNOT happen.
 
Pretty cool huh? Slowly but surely I know that I will find my way and this whole balance thing is going  to become a reality in life... I can feel it!!

  Display on stage at church... idea for the creative pose was all the Hubs ;)

Happy Monday people!
XO,
 

My Unbalanced Scale

For as long as I can remember, I have been an extremely ambitious person. I have always set out to do many things and accomplish as much as I possibly can in my life. I remember in 4th grade, we had a graduation as elementary school was coming to an end and middle school started in the 5th grade. For graduation, two recipients of the "Principal's Award" would be selected (1 boy, 1 girl) and those two would get to speak at the ceremony and represent their class. I set out to get that award and did my very best all year so that I could be the one to speak at graduation. When I was informed that I had gotten it, I was ecstatic! The only problem was, I had also auditioned to sing the national anthem at the ceremony and I could not do both. The speaker would have to sit on stage next to the Principal and the singer would come up from backstage and then go back to his or her seat. I was crushed!  I wanted so badly to do both and could not understand why they just wouldn't let me.

My teachers were trying to balance things out... give more kids a chance to be a part of the graduation ceremony but I set these goals out in front of myself and I just wanted them all.  I've learned a lot about giving everyone a chance and sharing the spotlight since 4th grade, but in many ways I am still the same in that I want to have my cake and eat it too.

I want a career, I want a ministry, I want a marriage, I want a family... I want friendships and an avid social life... I want, I want, I want! My schedule is always booked because I am that girl who says YES I'll do it and YES I can attend and YES, YES, YES! There is so much on my plate all the time and though I have some overwhelming moments, I am never one to complain that I am too full.

If my life were a scale, it would just be one thing piled onto the next ... lopsided... completely unbalanced. I take so much on and lately, my "fix" to this problem has been to sit back and do nothing instead. I guess that really isn't much of a fix is it?

Finding balance is probably the single most challenging thing I have faced in my adult life. How can I continue to strive toward my personal goals and meet all of my other obligations as a wife and mother? How can I move up in my career while still continuing my education, obtaining additional credentials in completely unrelated fields that I am passionate about, and one day write that novel I've been mulling over?

And it doesn't just end with goals... I need to find balance in so many other areas of my life as well. What about relationships? Have a built up hedges around my marriage? Do I balance time with my husband while having some alone time or time with friends? Oh and speaking of friends,  GOD KNOWS I have failed time and time again at setting appropriate boundaries and learning which friendships are right for me, who to trust with my heart, who to lean on, and who to simply stay away from. I mean, why is that so hard? And let's not even start talking about extended family relationships! I have one word for you -- IN-LAWS. Double sigh.

For 2012, I really need to balance my scale. These things are not easy and I am hoping to get my ducks in a row somewhat this year. That's why I am SO EXCITED about the new teaching series at my church called "Finding Balance". Check out the promo video below.... I sooo needed this! Are you interested in finding balance? Come check out this series at my church! I know it is going to be a blessing and just in the nick of time too!

Extreme Faith

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know

And are about the step into the darkness of the unknown

Faith is knowing one of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on

Or you will be taught how to fly."  -- Richard Bach

Lately, I've been pondering the idea of blind, radical faith. I know I talk a lot about "faith" and throw that word around a lot but it's almost like I am learning to see it in a whole new way. A way that I have honestly never considered before. I am not a big fan of the words "radical" or "extreme" but this is kind of what I've been thinking -- extreme faith.

And while I would NEVER in a million years have the guts to do it, I think extreme sports are really cool.

And while I would NEVER in a million years have the patience to do it, I think extreme couponers are smarter than everyone else.

There's this guy in the bible who in my opinion was a little extreme. His name was Paul. Well, actually his name was Saul but then it became Paul and that is a different blog post entirely but anyway... this Paul guy was very passionate about following Jesus and helping others follow him too. He helped run all these churches in different places and offered advice, encouragement and prayers for all these people. The crazy thing is that he would do all of this from jail! And I'm not talking about the twin sized bed, cable TV, 3 meals a day jail that we know about today... I'm talking about being in chains, sleeping on the cold dirt, starving jail of back in the day. He would write letters and before signing his name at the bottom he'd say "remember my chains" and I'm sure that gave a whole lot of perspective to the people receiving them. Paul followed Jesus no matter what the cost.

There's this other guy in the bible who in my opinion was not extreme enough. I call him the "male version of April" because I can relate a lot to this guy. His name was Peter. He was one of the 12 disciples so  he had faith okay! One of my friends from my old church always said mean things about Peter like "oh he was such a punk" and I'd get all ghetto because I happen to relate to Peter and I won't be hearing that but again, different blog post entirely. Peter was emotional and I guess that's why I see a lot of myself in him. He pulled Jesus aside before he was about to be taken just to say "listen, you don't have to do this we can run away right now."  He loved Jesus, he was his friend and although he knew what had to be done, he just didn't want to see his friend killed. A soldier came to get Jesus and Peter was like "oh hell no" and he cut that dude's ear off with his sword. Peter had a lot of passion just like Paul did, but Peter had a hard time trusting.

So I guess what I'm saying here is ... I think I need to let go of my plans and trust God more. I think I need to get a little more extreme about having faith. Maybe Paul just had an extreme personality but maybe he had the right idea -- faith should have no limits! I have to remember that what I know is not the full picture but there is a God up there (and in my heart) who does know the full picture and he has a plan for my life. Just like Paul did, I can have security in that. Do you believe in God or do you believe God? "So also Abraham “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness." Galatians 3:6.

Monday is looking good so far! Have a great week everyone =)

XO,

2 Months Left of 2011: A look in the rear view mirror

This is one of those posts that just sort of happened... just started to pour out of me and my fingers touched the keyboard and the words started to flow and here we are. Because what I originally planned to post today was all about our plans for the holidays and a few getaways we are going on this month and all the awesomeness just around the corner... but for some reason, while reading my devotions this morning on the bus and while quietly reflecting and praying, I looked into the rear view mirror of this year and I guess a huge part of getting where I am going is remembering where I have been.


2011 had so much to offer me. So much that I'd been anticipating and awaiting with excitement and joy... and so much that I had never expected that totally blindsided me and broke my heart. I seriously have never experienced so much JOY and so much heartbreak in the same year but 2011 was determined to give me both and grow me in the process.


Sometimes, it seemed like the timing of things was the worst possible... but now as I look back, I am grateful because I don't know how I would have gotten through some serious heartbreak if not for that very timing.


As I was getting ready to welcome my son into our family and experience the beauty of motherhood, I was also being hurt by some people I loved so much. I literally had to grieve the loss of a very special person in my life (which somehow, through this loss, about 3 other bridges were burned unexpectedly -- when it rains it pours) while at the same time carrying a miracle inside of me. I was aware of the impact my emotions would have on my unborn child and I am just so grateful to GOD for the love in my life at that time. My amazing husband, my mother and a few friends I would have NEVER expected, acted as a seal, a protective fence around me and I know that God was using these people to show me that he still had me in his embrace. That no matter how difficult it was to experience the feelings of betrayal and loss that I had, it was necessary and it was all a part of a greater plan for my life.


I had never felt so alone, but at the same so loved and I know that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense... but it's the best way I can describe it. It isn't in my nature to be vague, it isn't who I am to not express freely but I am actually having a hard time with this. I want very much to continue to heal and let go and learn to love those who have hurt me. You see, I value my relationships so much and a lot of the richness of my life I attribute to my relationships... because at the end of this all, it isn't going to be about what my career was, or the places I had traveled to, or the house I lived in... at the end of this all, it is going to be about those who I LOVED and those who also loved me. My legacy will be in my relationships, in the lives I was able to touch and those who touched mine.


Slowly but surely, I am finding peace... slowly but surely, I have forgiven and slowly but surely, I am healing. Honestly, it is having my son that has given me the strength to move forward and it is God's grace that has helped me rise above and not succumb to depression as I probably would have a few years ago. I may not be where I need to be, but I am NOT where I used to be. That my friends, is called growth!


God knows, that when I love someone, I love all the way. My husband once told me that something he loves about me is how I love others... he said "I can see it in your eyes, and you're not playing games, you're for real!" That is probably the most encouraging thing someone has said to me. I am so very aware of my flaws and imperfections... but I am sure of my heart and where I stand... and I am proud of who I am becoming. A better ME every single day. If someone wants to be in my life and reap the benefits of my love, then they will make that effort, and if not then they won't and I will be at peace with that also... even if at times when looking in the rear view mirror, it hurts :/



I love how T.D. Jakes said it:


" The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

"People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. "



For 2012 and the rest of 2011 (because why wait until a new year to start) that is my "theme". No trying to raise the dead!

I know this post seems kind of somber... sorry about that folks. But I'll end with some pictures and highlights of awesome times in 2011 =)

This was so timely!

Love Your Enemies "Frenemies"

You have heard people say, "Love your neighbors and hate your enemies." But I tell you to love your enemies and pray for anyone who mistreats you. Then you will be acting like your Father in heaven. He makes the sun rise on both good and bad people. And he sends rain for the ones who do right and for the ones who do wrong. If you love only those people who love you, will God reward you for that? Even tax collectors love their friends. If you greet only your friends, what's so great about that? Don't even unbelievers do that? -- Matthew 5

This text takes me back to the Cross... when Jesus was being crucified - put to death at the hands of his own friends, he prayed for them. Talk about betrayal! It hurts so much to feel betrayed, stabbed in the back by friends. But in the grand scheme of things, is it really so bad when friends talk about you behind your back? They could always give you up to police for a crime you never committed and watch you put to death. Jesus suffered the ultimate betrayal yet he still loved these people and showed them grace.... and he still shows ME grace every single day through my many, many flaws and imperfections.

So can't I just give the same grace that has been given to me? Just now, I prayed for some "frenemies" and it felt so great to ask God to bless them, to prosper them, to protect them... it gave me a peace beyond understanding. I know that God is teaching me so much about myself through this process. Iron sharpens iron after all :)

His love is like a tide that has swept over me and is healing me and I am so grateful. Love is a choice we make every single day and some days are harder than others... but I am committed to growing in love!

Slowly I am learning to let go of the pain and betrayal and leave it in God's hands. Justice will always prevail anyway.

But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream! - Amos 5:24

Thank you God!!

The Cream Always Rises to the Top: Peace during conflicts with others

Let me explain... milk, undergoes a process called homogenization. During this process, the lighter fatty portions of the milk rise to the top due to lesser density. Very much like oil and water. The fatty portions are then skimmed and made into a separate product -- cream.

In the olden days (back when there was a milkman and stuff) the cream would sit right at the top of the milk bottle when you got it from the store. People loved to scoop it out and use it on fruit or their favorite deserts. Figuratively speaking, the cream is the more valuable of the two diary products. I had a teacher who used this saying often "the cream always rises to the top."

Throughout my life I've learned the true meaning behind this saying... and experienced the peace it brings when I sit back and just "let the cream rise". This isn't always easy to do. If you know me, you know that I speak my mind and tell it like it is! Some people like it, most don't but I just don't have it in me to "fake it". Regardless, it is at times challenging to sit back and not go on a rampage defending myself and my choices. And don't get me wrong, I am an advocate of defending oneself.. speaking up... I'm all for it! But there are times when it just won't do any good and as my mom would say "you have to let God fight your battles."

Whether or not you believe in God, we can all agree on one thing -- truth, goodness, LOVE will always prevail and be recognized in the midst of all kinds of drama. If you have good intentions, they will eventually shine through no matter who tries to steal your shine.

I was having a conversation with my mom yesterday and she reminded of this. She mentioned specific names of people I have had issues with in my past and said "what happened with him? what happened with her? what happened with them?" She reminded me that when people seek to bring falseness against you, or seek to do harm, they may succeed at first but in the long run the truth will always surface.

And please let me be clear - I am not talking about sitting back and doing nothing either! I'm talking about prayer, forgiveness, letting go and claiming PEACE because life is just too short to dwell on negative things. Make sure your intentions are good and your heart is in the right place and for goodness sake, don't worry so much! The cream will always rise to the top :)

Hurricane Irene: Reflections during the storm

New Yorkers have gotten a little taste of some things that many in other parts of the country are all too familiar with. We had a minor earthquake (more like a tremor from Virginia's earthquake) last week and people were really freaking out! I'm from California so I've seen a few earthquakes and even slept through one. Earthquake drills were pretty standard in school so I know to take cover and stay put if it's a bad quake. It was kind of crazy to me that people were running outside when they felt the quake. Clearly, New Yorkers are just not prepared for this kind of thing...

And now, here we are waiting for Irene, a category 1 hurricane to come shake things up. I went to Duane Reade and it was a madhouse! The supermarket was even worse. People are stocking up on all sorts of items especially water and batteries. I read in the Times that Pop Tarts are the #1 "emergency food" being sold? Okay, okay, I bought some pop tarts too :) But mostly because comfort snacks really help when I am nervous... and I admit, I am kind of nervous about this storm.

I think the main reason we freak out about natural disasters is that we have zero control over them. We are basically at the mercy of God and we have to do what we can to stay safe and cling to our loved ones and say a couple prayers because in a world where we take so much power into our own hands, nature reminds us gently (or sometimes harshly) that the power is really not in our hands at all.

A friend posted this picture on Facebook of a completely empty Grand Central Terminal... I thought it was beautiful. Beautiful because if anything at all, Hurricane Irene is forcing NYC to just calm down for a minute. Slow down... stay home with your loved ones and slow the heck down already! We've been needing that for a while.

Tonight, I realize how blessed I am to have a place to wait out the storm. My prayers are with those who have no home, no family, and nowhere to go.

Stay safe NYC - XO,

~A

Trust: It's like a chair

My aunt Shirley gave me some pretty awesome advice that I just had to share.... TRUST is something so precious to me, and I am sure to many in our relationships with others. Once someone has my trust, they are on a whole other level with me and just as it is precious, it is not easy to gain. And just as it is not easy to gain, it is not easy to regain once that trust has been betrayed. Lately, I've been praying and asking God to help me with trust issues. To help me trust and see the good in others. To give GRACE as it was given to me. I know that my prayers will be answered. In the mean time, I'd like to share the words my aunt shared with me about trust---

It's like a chair. If it fails to hold your weight, you can't trust it anymore until it is made right. It needs to be repaired. It takes work. If the chair never gets aligned with rightness or in our case righteousness, trust cannot happen again

Hoping we can do the "work" to fix our broken chairs,

~A