Thursday, April 18, 2013

Confessions of a PK Part 3: Moving On...

It's Thursday, 2:12am and I work in a few hours... I'm up... I'm wide awake... sleep has not come easy the last few days.

From the time I started this blog series, I knew it would be 3 parts and I knew the last part would be titled "moving on"... what I didn't know was how much significance that title would have in this very moment.. the  very moment I take my fingers to the keyboard and write it. In all of the craziness of the last six days, I just needed to write.. so here I am, at 2am, writing because I really need to.

My Grandfather... my awesome, kind, funny, loving, Welo left this earth on Friday. He went home to be with God and I am so, so, happy for him. I wonder what he must be doing right now? I have been wondering a lot and wishing I could just catch a glimpse of him walking.. whole... healthy and free down the golden streets of heaven. You see.. there are many, many things that I doubt in my life. I struggle with all sorts of doubt. I doubt who I am, I doubt where I am going, I doubt God even at times... but one thing I am absolutely certain of is that my grandfather is in heaven. Because, yes, I believe there is a heaven and if anyone can get in - he can. That man's faith was more real than anything and this certainty that I have is the only thing giving me peace.

Because losing someone you love is crazy hard. I know he was old, and I know he was sick.. and I thought I was prepared to lose him.. but I wasn't, I really wasn't and I still am not. Truthfully, I want him back. I want to rub his bald head and I want to tell him I love you... and I so desperately want to hear him say "I love you too" except he really would say it "I loo juuu tooo" and it was perfect.

But that's the thing.. I can't. I have to move on and it really, really sucks. I remember when I decided it was time for me to move on from my Grandfather's church. The man was a Pastor and I lived under his roof. On Sundays we all went to church together and I decided I needed to go my own way. Trust me, it was a big deal. I was terrified to talk with him about it... I didn't want to hurt him. There were things about my faith that I was questioning and there were convictions that became crystal clear.. and I wasn't going to grow if I didn't move on.

I'd learned how to love Jesus in my Grandfather's church. I'd accept Christ as my personal savior in Sunday School. He was my Pastor not just in that church but at home too. He was also my Dad... and I didn't know how to separate the two or even if I could. One day, I stood home from work and Welo was alone in the living room.. I decided to talk to him about things and to my surprise, he already knew what I was going to say.

That day, Welo told me that my destiny was a great one. He said that he always knew I would move on one day. He told me "April, you have a calling for nations inside of you"... I wasn't sure what that meant at the time but it is something that has become more clear through the years. He told me to move on and that it was okay. He made me promise him to not forget what I had learned and to never give up because this world has nothing to offer me... that was always his focus.. what are you investing in eternity? So many things in this world are fleeting, but eternity.. eternity is what matters.  That conversation was one of the last heart to hearts that we had and I will always treasure it.

It was that talk that helped me to move on...  and now, I wish I could have one last talk with him... so that I can move on .. but I can't. I have to find the strength, I have to pray for the strength and honestly I have no idea how I am going to do it. I wish I could end this more eloquently but I  guess that is all I have to say.

I miss my Welo so much...

Family Day at the park.