When Aiden was first placed in my arms, I cannot say that the clouds parted and I had this glorious feeling of attachment and love for him. I have heard so many birth stories and have really felt guilty about not being able to say the same thing. I was crying and anxiously looking over at him while he was being weighed and evaluated. It was surreal... this little, tiny, baby had just come out of me. When he was placed on my chest, he was already rooting and lifting his head.. the nurse was wiping him down while I held him and I just kept saying "Hi sweetie, Hi Aiden"... at the same time, my doctor was stitching me up and my epidural had worn off so I felt EVERYTHING. I thought I was going to drop the baby because of the pain so I simply could not enjoy that moment.
Then came the recovery... boy was it a doozy. I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt because my body would not cooperate with what my mind wanted to do. Every time my baby cried, I wanted to run over to him but I could barely walk. My husband and my family did pitch in to help during those first few weeks and it was probably the most difficult couple of weeks I've ever experienced. I was in pain, I was emotional, I was overwhelmed and most of all I was TERRIFIED because this tiny life had been entrusted to me.
Move on past those first 2-3 weeks and I finally started to feel like a mommy. Aiden and I began to find our rhythm and all of those huge feelings of love and attachment came flooding in. I became a lioness, a protector, his comforter, his everything. And in that same way, he became my world as well. We spent countless moments together, cuddling on the couch or nursing in the rocker. I would stay awake at night just so that I could listen to him breathing and my heart would dance every time he cracked a tiny smile in his sleep.
I realize that my story may not be like that of most moms I know... or maybe it is, but they feel like they can't share about it truthfully. I don't think I instantly bonded with my baby and sometimes when I think about that I beat myself up about it... but then, I think of what we have now.. I think of how those eyes light up whenever he sees me and when he cries and says "Mama" because he has no doubt that I will be there to scoop him up into my arms. I think of that and I realize that it really doesn't matter how we started because look at how far we have come!!
Aiden came into my life and he changed the way I think about everything... he made me realize what is truly important and he gave me a new sense of who I want to be. He brought me even closer to my husband, he made us a family and he filled a void we never even realized we had.
 |
| This tiny baby who I brought home from the hospital one year ago, is now a growing, thriving, unique little person... I am so in awe of him and I am so thankful to God for bringing him into our lives. |
Check out the video below to see what happened a few nights ago when we got home from work:
Just a little over 24 hours until his party tomorrow! I am working out all the tiny details and so excited to celebrate my baby boy. Pray for me people! Lol !!
No comments:
Post a Comment