Confessions of a PK, Part 2: Kid Under the Microscope

Let me start with this... I have a Pastor and he has two beautiful little daughters. I feel such a strong connection to those girls because of my upbringing and I also appreciate the work their parents do so much, that I seek to love on these kids, protect them, let them know how special they are... because YES, their parents work hard to bless my life and so YES they are special to me. I strive to treat my Pastor's kids in this way because if I am telling the truth, it is the way I would have liked to be treated in my Grandfather's church.

I remember the first time I felt like I was under the microscope. A deacon in the church made it her life's mission to "catch me" talking to a friend during the sermon. Let's face it, an 11 year old kid is going to get a little distracted during a 5 hour long service so all of us would talk, pass notes, the usual. But it's like this woman needed it to be me... she waited, she watched and boy would she complain. It was the first time I realized that I was different from my friends in church.. and to be honest, I didn't want to be. I just wanted to be a regular kid.

I felt people were harder on me than anyone else because of who my Grandfather was... I guess they thought that if he was this amazing, God pleasing person I should be too... so my attitude quickly became -- "I am going to be".

With my Grandfather on Christmas morning... (Jasmine is the closest thing to a Latina Princess we have okay)

I was an over-achiever and I aimed to please others right away... but somehow I always ended up feeling inadequate because my passion was never enough, my effort was never enough... heck, even my heart was never enough. I know now that this is the problem with a legalistic belief system... that no one ever really measures up (Romans 4:15) and there are certain biblical truths I would be on a journey to discover myself. Still, I had to face many road bumps along the way.

I had to smile, I had to be on my A-game all of the time and I to this day, wish adults would have known better than to put that kind of pressure on me. The weird thing is my Grandfather himself never put that pressure on me... he would get complaints about how "April wore the wrong thing to church today" or "April didn't come to such and such event" and he never even told me about them. I would later come to learn that someone called him at home or pulled him aside and he would always, always SHUT THEM DOWN. Afterall, I was his baby =) I have to credit my grandmother for this too. She would always stick up for me.

Holding me as a baby

Over time, I had to learn how to take it in stride and simply be true to myself. It  is still something I am learning to do. One thing I learned from my Grandfather is that nothing is more important than loving others. Even when I did feel judged by someone else, I worked hard to love them because it is really love that conquers all.

I hated feeling like a specimen under the microscope... there is an element of that, that I still struggle with to this day. My guard is always up... in many negative ways it formed me but now I can say that it formed me in positive ways too.

I am so grateful for everything in my life... I wish some things could have been different but overall, I am just grateful. I love you Welo!

Confessions of a PK: Part 1

From Wikipedia: Preacher's kid (abbreviated as PK) is a term to refer to a child of a preacher, pastor, deacon, vicar, lay leader, minister or other similar church leader. Although the phrase can be used in a purely descriptive way, it may also used be as a stereotype.

My grandfather officiating a wedding

Technically speaking, my MOM is actually the Pastor's kid... her dad (my grandfather) has been in ministry as a pentecostal preacher/pastor (say THAT 5 times fast!)  since he was only 17 years old. Although my mom was raised in the church, when the time came for her to move out on her own she also went her own way for a while in terms of faith. My mom moved 3000 miles away to California to raise her family and while she taught us about the importance of God in our lives, I can't say that I ever felt or understood the magnitude this faith had in our family. My grandparents would come visit every summer and we'd have family worship services every Sunday while they were in town. I loved it! We would sing songs and my Grandpa would preach a sermon and I just loved my grandparents and everything about them. I thought my Grandfather was like.. one of God's favorite people or some kind of VIP or something. I remember thinking that if I just asked him to pray for something, it would come true. He was like magic! When the summer was over, they would get on a plane back to New York and life would continue... we'd go to church on special occasions, I'd say my prayers every night.. but nothing outside of that. Until the divorce...

When my parents called it quits on their marriage, my mom needed a way to support my brother and me on her own. I've written about my father before so needless to say, he was not very involved. I was 10 years old at the time and we moved to New York to live with my Grandparents. Immediately, we started going to church with them every Sunday (anyone under that roof, goes to church) and Mondays, and Tuesdays, and Fridays.... it was a full time gig. As a child, I loved being a part of the church. I began to really grow and realize certain talents that I had by being able to express them at church. I found a new sense of belonging and made so many lifelong friends. But my "church life" did not remain in that building... I was the Pastor's kid... it was in my everyday life, in my home, and eventually ingrained in me as a person.

My hubby and I at a Pastor appreciation service for my Grandpa

My Grandfather was the real deal. He was so passionate about his work for God and he really, truly, lived out everything that he preached. I'm not saying he didn't make mistakes but he was genuine and full of love for God and the people that he led. He kept a yellow notepad by the phone in the kitchen with the name and number of every single member of his congregation. He Pastored over 300 people (for a church in the south Bronx, that is a lot!) and every Sunday evening would grab that notepad and make phone calls to everyone who had missed service that day. He made all his calls from the kitchen and I'd hear him saying - "I missed you, can I pray for you, I hope to see you next week". He would pray every single morning in the living room of our house at 5am. I would sometimes sit down in the hallway when I couldn't sleep and listen to him pray... it was inspiring and heart warming the way he mentioned every single man, woman, and child by name.

I can't say that the Pentecostal religion was the path for my life, but I can say that a path of faith in Christ was and I know that it was my Grandfather who started me on this path. My experience being in a Pastoral family with a fundamentalist belief system was not always great. Many times I was made to feel judged, inadequate,  constantly watched and observed by others. Those pressures and negative experiences are something I know I need to work through, but today I will just tell you that my Grandfather represented NONE of those things. He was loving, he was inclusive, he was the first one to admit that he was flawed and imperfect and he truly LOVED people. He truly loved me and it is a love I feel even now that he has dementia and can no longer verbally express.

Hanging out Poolside at a family reunion. THIS is the side of him I will always hold close... the jokester, the storyteller, the Father I was missing and he so boldly stepped in to be for me :)

 I'm interested in hearing from any other PK's out there. As I work through this and write about it, I'd love to know what you think. That's all for now.

XO,

I was Sweet Sixteen...

I wasn't feeling well and decided to stay home from school that day...  I still planned to make it to my part-time job at a law firm a few towns away. I woke up and smelled coffee that my grandfather had made and headed to the kitchen to grab a cup. My grandmother was sitting in front of the television, crying and holding her face in her hands. Immediately, I felt a sense of "something is very, very wrong". When I asked her what was the matter, she pointed to the television and there it was...


A plane had crashed into the world trade center... the twin towers...  people were scrambling, desperate to make it out... even jumping from  the building. My heart threatened to come right up out of my chest and my knees started to buckle. How could something like this happen? I thought we were safe here?

After the shock settled in, I realized something even scarier than all of this ... my mother was working on 17th street in Manhattan. My mom had gone to work that morning and we hadn't heard from her. I picked up the phone, fumbled over the keypad and typed in her office number. Busy... busy...  I tried her cell phone... busy... I tried to call my boyfriend's phone... busy...  I couldn't  get in touch with anyone and I had no idea what was going on outside my home.

Were we under attack?
Would more buildings be destroyed?
Who was doing this?

My mind and heart racing, I started to get dressed. I would take my grandmother's car and drive into Manhattan (I had no license) if that is what it took. I would find my mom and bring her home. Hysterical, tears flowing down my face I finally remembered that I could pray.

That was one of the first conversations I had ever had with God where I really wasn't sure he was listening... where I really doubted him ...  Even through all the turmoil of my childhood, I had that innocent blind faith in God and knew he would take care of me and my family... this time, I wasn't so sure.

The truth is, God did take care of my family that day. My mom walked 6 hours from Manhattan along with countless others that day. She was safe.. my loved ones were safe and no-one I knew died in the towers that day. But still, too many of my fellow New Yorkers did... too many lost a Mother, or a Father... a Son or a Daughter...  and we would never be the same.

The truth is, God did take care of all of them too... even if not in the way we would have chosen. He holds this world in the palm of his hands and it is not always easy, but we have to choose to believe that.  For those lost and for ourselves... we can't loose faith, we can't stop saying as a nation --  "In God we Trust".

Never forget September 11th, 2011 ... but never lose FAITH... he is present, he is constant, he will never leave us.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you. (Isaiah 26:3)

Becoming One

Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh... (Genesis 2) 

The most fulfilling experience of my life, besides becoming a mother has been the step of entering into a covenant, a sacred bond with another person and sharing a life with him... being a wife is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. You see, it is through this most intimate of relationships that one discovers even more and it is through these discoveries that I have also been sharpened, molded and continue to be. That has not always been easy but I embrace the process. I am so very thankful for the wonderful man I get to call husband. 

This marriage thing is not always easy. Lately, it seems like so many external influences have tried to make a dent in my marriage. From stress at work to financial pressure, to opinions and negative input from others. Our relationship has been tested in more than one way. As if adjusting to being new parents is not enough! But I do thank God because we are learning just how important "hedges" are around our marriage and why setting boundaries is so necessary. It is something I wish we would have learned to do sooner but I am glad for it now.  

The verse above in Genesis is my favorite on marriage. I can just imagine Adam, looking his bride in the eyes and saying those words -- "this AT LAST is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." It gives me goosebumps every time. The two, became ONE. Or at least, they were on their way to becoming one... 

Becoming one is not something that just magically happens when you say "I Do". It is a process. Two completely different people, from completely different upbringings are brought together to be ONE...  I love how the verse above says -- "and they shall become one flesh"...just the fact that God worded it in this way. THEY SHALL BECOME one flesh. 

In the storybooks and fairy tales, it is at the wedding where the story ends. The Prince and the Princess live happily ever after... but in life, it is at the wedding where the story is just beginning. Nearly 4 years into this marriage thing, I am learning that now. 

My husband and I are starting to really understand what it means to become one. To put each other above all else and make our family's well being the top priority. Yesterday he looked at me, grabbed my hand and grabbed our son and he said -"you see this? this is all that matters." It is in the toughest of times that we have learned to stick together and it is in these times when it has mattered most. 

We are both so far from perfect and we have so much growing and learning to do, but HIS GRACE is enough. Enough for me, enough for my marriage, enough for our family. I know that if not for that grace, I don't know where we would be. 

It has been a difficult weekend with tears and pain ... but I am so grateful that we are facing challenges united and as a team.  I can honestly say that I sit here feeling so blessed and loving my husband even more today than I did yesterday :) 

What NOT to Balance + Relationships & Emotions = Eternity

The second part of the "Balance" series at my church was in a word... overflowing?  I feel like part one was the top slice of bread on a very meaty, cheesy, flavorful sandwich. Ughh now I'm hungry - focus April!Anyway, I think that if any of the sermons will contain "April-isms" this one certainly did. My Pastor talked about Relationships AND Emotions in the same hour! It's funny because all I could keep thinking was "how am I going to blog my way through this?" You've had your warning, just bare with me here. The bible story we read was about Mary and her sister Martha -- Luke 10: 38-41

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.

In this story, Mary and Martha are having a visit with Jesus. They could not be more different in their approach to making Jesus feel loved and valued in their home. Martha was running around preparing her home so that it would be perfect for Jesus' visit, while Mary was just sitting at his feet, listening and hanging on every word that he said. I totally think Martha was OCD but that is just a theory. Anyway, when reading about these two women, I can see pieces of myself in both of them and for different reasons. I love to have people come over and create a relaxing and fun environment for my guests. I usually clean up the house, put out snacks and light the scented candles. I am absolutely mortified if someone drops by unannounced because I did not  have time to prepare for their visit. In this, I can totally relate to Martha and why she was so adamant about making her home perfect for the Lord's visit. But then there is Mary ... 

Reading about her made me think back to when my husband (then, boyfriend) would come over to my house to visit. I lived at home with my mom and grandparents so we rarely ever got privacy and visits never seemed like they were long enough. When he would come over, I dropped everything to sit with him on the sofa and talk or watch a movie. Many times, a lot needed to be done around the house but I was just so happy to be with someone I loved... I wanted to soak up every minute we had before it was time for him to leave. I imagine Mary sitting there at the feet of Jesus and I think I can relate to her too.

What NOT to balance...
"God is not to be balanced"

Among the three people in this story, the first relationship here is the one between Mary and Jesus. He was obviously someone she loved (NO I am not getting all "Da Vincci Code" here) .. he was her teacher, the son of God, her soon to be savior and she valued every word that came out of his mouth. She gave all of who she was over in that moment to just soak up her time with Jesus. My pastor said it best - "Martha opened up her home to Jesus, but Mary opened up her heart."

In my constant search for balance, there is one thing that I don't need to balance... and that is my relationship with God. You see, I can't divide my life up into this perfectly sliced pie and make JESUS one of the slices. He is the pan that holds the whole pie together.. (doh!, there goes another food reference)  He is not to be balanced. I found such freedom in this and such comfort also.

... cont..."She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”



Relationships...
"Effective communication and boundaries"

The next relationship in this story to look at is the one between Mary and Martha. Martha was obviously frustrated that Mary was not doing her share of the work and she made it clear when she complained to Jesus about it. So what was the problem with that? Martha was upset at Mary and instead of talking to Mary she talked to a third party about it. Boooooo Martha!! LOL

I have reacted exactly like Martha in moments when I am upset at a friend and let me tell you, it never, ever makes things better. There is so much about myself that I have been asking God to help me change and this is one of those things. Gossip is the kind of sin that sneaks up on you and once I share a frustration with another person (who is not the person I am frustrated with), a downward spiral ensues. In that same token, I have also been on Mary's side of things where someone who is mad at me, does not come to tell me but rather tells someone else about it...If I'm being honest, the latter tends to be more prevalent in my life for some reason... so, here's the problem with that -- it always comes back around and then I feel pretty darn crappy about it.  Why do we fall into this crazy cycle? It creates such imbalance in our relationships. Honesty and communication are so important. I would rather have a conversation that gets a little ugly, than have no conversation at all.

So here's what really spoke to me about all of this --- BOUNDARIES. My Pastor highlighted the fact that despite Martha's behavior, she did not allow herself to be swayed or manipulated because she established the appropriate boundaries... that is an area I really need to work on! I will admit that I tend to have an "approval addiction" and it is so difficult for me to deal with not being accepted by someone. It really comes with being more secure with myself and creating emotional boundaries. Relationships without boundaries are destined for imbalance. It is a truth that may be difficult to accept, but one that I am slowly  but surely learning.

...cont...“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,

Emotions...
"Anger and Anxiousness"

What are the two main emotions that throw us off balance? Yep, anger and anxiousness. I experience a little of those probably too often and that is something I am committed to working on. The bible says "do not worry about tomorrow"... I mean, how much stress and heartache do we add on to our lives by worrying? My husband calls me "the worry-bug" and I am determined to change that for 2012!

but Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”


Eternity...

At the end of it all... eternity is in the balance. Mary's decision to open up her heart to Jesus was what I like to call an "eternity decision". It's so easy to get wrapped up in life and the many things we are facing on a daily basis. It's so easy to let eternity get lost in the shuffle... but as a Christian, what I am saying is - I am a follower of Jesus, this is what I believe and this is my goal for eternity..  maybe I need to stop focusing too much on all of my "life decisions" and start making some "eternity decisions".

Well, that was my take on Part Two. I am learning so much guys, and blogging through it is really helping me reflect. Thanks for reading.

BALANCE Ya'll!! =)

Wrong Timing, Wrong People, Wrong Foundation...

In an effort to figure out why things have felt so imbalanced in my life, I am reflecting on the first part of my church's new series - Finding Balance! Yesterday, my Pastor spoke about 3 things that create imbalance in our lives and what a way to start! I was kind of blown away and this was only the first part of the teaching series so I cannot wait for the rest. So here are the 3 things -- Wrong Timing, Wrong People, Wrong Foundation.

Wrong Timing
"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven".- Ecclesiastes 3:1

He gave an example of when he first felt the call to Pastor a church. He had just gotten married and when he approached his wife with the idea, she said "no" - she did not feel this was the time to take on such a huge calling. Although he admits that he did not see eye to eye with his wife, he realizes now that timing is everything and had he attempted to start up a church while still starting up a marriage, one of those two would have failed. Needless to say, both are entirely too important for that.  While I haven't been called to plant a church or start a ministry in Africa, I can certainly relate to this feeling in regards to timing. So much in my life has happened when I didn't think it was "the time" and there is so much I have taken on not at the right time as well. This week, I am focusing on TIMING and praying that God can help me figure out what it's time for but more importantly - what it is NOT the time for. Becoming a mother has changed my outlook on so many things but it has also made making decisions a lot more complicated. What I decide not only affects me, or my husband now but it affects our son. How can I, as a 26 year old align myself with the "season" God has me in? I can't go out and party, I barely ever eat in restaurants or see movies in the theater... I'm a new mom and it definitely sets me apart from my peers. Honestly, it was my plan to still be in that "party season" of life... I thought I'd be finishing up a graduate degree, working and hanging with friends on weekends... but things have turned out differently. I am not complaining at all! I ADORE my son and my family life... but finding balance during this season, embracing this TIME has not always been easy. I feel like with the timing thing, it is really about establishing priorities and that is where I plan to do some housekeeping in my own life.
 
Wrong People
  "And so, dear friends, since you already know these things, continually be on your guard not to be carried away by the deception of lawless people. Otherwise, you may fall from your secure position." - 2 Peter 3:17

He gave a really great illustration that literally brought tears to my eyes. He had one of the guys come up and attempt to balance on the edge of the stage. When the young man took a few steps, my Pastor would push him off. Over and over he tried it and obviously couldn't balance because he was being pushed. There is a similar thing that happens when we choose to be around the wrong people. There are those people in our lives who will help us balance, give us a hand and be there to see us get across... and sadly, there are those who will whether intentionally or unintentionally push us. I've made the mistake of allowing the wrong people too close of a place in my life... most times because I felt so insecure and just wanted to be liked and accepted. But it has gotten to the point of a "drowning feeling" because these were not the people who would want to see me get across and keep my balance. At least not in the areas that I needed to. I think God sends the RIGHT people into our lives based on what we need, the season we are in and how those relationships can grow us. 2011 was an extremely defining year for me in relationships. I am feeling really good about the people around me and I am so grateful that God helped me get on track with the right people for my life. It definitely hurts when moving on from relationships at times but what I am learning is that I don't need to work so hard for every one's approval. I can be ME and the right people will be there to support me, sharpen me, and help me keep my balance.
 
Wrong Foundation
  "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." - Psalm 18:2

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock". - Matthew 7:24-25

This one is simple -- my faith! He used the example of a little girl walking in her mother's high heels. She will stumble and fall not because she does not know how to walk, but because of what is under her feet! What is under my feet? Are they set on the rock? Who is the rock? I know that keeping my faith, cultivating a strong relationship with God and staying focused on that is what sets my feet on the rock. I know that even if I lose track in Timing... and even if I give in with the wrong People, my foundation can never be anyone other than Jesus. The minute I start to rely on someone else, something else... the minute I start to place another person or a career, or even my own Son as the foundation of my life, that is when balance CANNOT happen.
 
Pretty cool huh? Slowly but surely I know that I will find my way and this whole balance thing is going  to become a reality in life... I can feel it!!

  Display on stage at church... idea for the creative pose was all the Hubs ;)

Happy Monday people!
XO,
 

My Unbalanced Scale

For as long as I can remember, I have been an extremely ambitious person. I have always set out to do many things and accomplish as much as I possibly can in my life. I remember in 4th grade, we had a graduation as elementary school was coming to an end and middle school started in the 5th grade. For graduation, two recipients of the "Principal's Award" would be selected (1 boy, 1 girl) and those two would get to speak at the ceremony and represent their class. I set out to get that award and did my very best all year so that I could be the one to speak at graduation. When I was informed that I had gotten it, I was ecstatic! The only problem was, I had also auditioned to sing the national anthem at the ceremony and I could not do both. The speaker would have to sit on stage next to the Principal and the singer would come up from backstage and then go back to his or her seat. I was crushed!  I wanted so badly to do both and could not understand why they just wouldn't let me.

My teachers were trying to balance things out... give more kids a chance to be a part of the graduation ceremony but I set these goals out in front of myself and I just wanted them all.  I've learned a lot about giving everyone a chance and sharing the spotlight since 4th grade, but in many ways I am still the same in that I want to have my cake and eat it too.

I want a career, I want a ministry, I want a marriage, I want a family... I want friendships and an avid social life... I want, I want, I want! My schedule is always booked because I am that girl who says YES I'll do it and YES I can attend and YES, YES, YES! There is so much on my plate all the time and though I have some overwhelming moments, I am never one to complain that I am too full.

If my life were a scale, it would just be one thing piled onto the next ... lopsided... completely unbalanced. I take so much on and lately, my "fix" to this problem has been to sit back and do nothing instead. I guess that really isn't much of a fix is it?

Finding balance is probably the single most challenging thing I have faced in my adult life. How can I continue to strive toward my personal goals and meet all of my other obligations as a wife and mother? How can I move up in my career while still continuing my education, obtaining additional credentials in completely unrelated fields that I am passionate about, and one day write that novel I've been mulling over?

And it doesn't just end with goals... I need to find balance in so many other areas of my life as well. What about relationships? Have a built up hedges around my marriage? Do I balance time with my husband while having some alone time or time with friends? Oh and speaking of friends,  GOD KNOWS I have failed time and time again at setting appropriate boundaries and learning which friendships are right for me, who to trust with my heart, who to lean on, and who to simply stay away from. I mean, why is that so hard? And let's not even start talking about extended family relationships! I have one word for you -- IN-LAWS. Double sigh.

For 2012, I really need to balance my scale. These things are not easy and I am hoping to get my ducks in a row somewhat this year. That's why I am SO EXCITED about the new teaching series at my church called "Finding Balance". Check out the promo video below.... I sooo needed this! Are you interested in finding balance? Come check out this series at my church! I know it is going to be a blessing and just in the nick of time too!

Love Your Enemies "Frenemies"

You have heard people say, "Love your neighbors and hate your enemies." But I tell you to love your enemies and pray for anyone who mistreats you. Then you will be acting like your Father in heaven. He makes the sun rise on both good and bad people. And he sends rain for the ones who do right and for the ones who do wrong. If you love only those people who love you, will God reward you for that? Even tax collectors love their friends. If you greet only your friends, what's so great about that? Don't even unbelievers do that? -- Matthew 5

This text takes me back to the Cross... when Jesus was being crucified - put to death at the hands of his own friends, he prayed for them. Talk about betrayal! It hurts so much to feel betrayed, stabbed in the back by friends. But in the grand scheme of things, is it really so bad when friends talk about you behind your back? They could always give you up to police for a crime you never committed and watch you put to death. Jesus suffered the ultimate betrayal yet he still loved these people and showed them grace.... and he still shows ME grace every single day through my many, many flaws and imperfections.

So can't I just give the same grace that has been given to me? Just now, I prayed for some "frenemies" and it felt so great to ask God to bless them, to prosper them, to protect them... it gave me a peace beyond understanding. I know that God is teaching me so much about myself through this process. Iron sharpens iron after all :)

His love is like a tide that has swept over me and is healing me and I am so grateful. Love is a choice we make every single day and some days are harder than others... but I am committed to growing in love!

Slowly I am learning to let go of the pain and betrayal and leave it in God's hands. Justice will always prevail anyway.

But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream! - Amos 5:24

Thank you God!!

The Cream Always Rises to the Top: Peace during conflicts with others

Let me explain... milk, undergoes a process called homogenization. During this process, the lighter fatty portions of the milk rise to the top due to lesser density. Very much like oil and water. The fatty portions are then skimmed and made into a separate product -- cream.

In the olden days (back when there was a milkman and stuff) the cream would sit right at the top of the milk bottle when you got it from the store. People loved to scoop it out and use it on fruit or their favorite deserts. Figuratively speaking, the cream is the more valuable of the two diary products. I had a teacher who used this saying often "the cream always rises to the top."

Throughout my life I've learned the true meaning behind this saying... and experienced the peace it brings when I sit back and just "let the cream rise". This isn't always easy to do. If you know me, you know that I speak my mind and tell it like it is! Some people like it, most don't but I just don't have it in me to "fake it". Regardless, it is at times challenging to sit back and not go on a rampage defending myself and my choices. And don't get me wrong, I am an advocate of defending oneself.. speaking up... I'm all for it! But there are times when it just won't do any good and as my mom would say "you have to let God fight your battles."

Whether or not you believe in God, we can all agree on one thing -- truth, goodness, LOVE will always prevail and be recognized in the midst of all kinds of drama. If you have good intentions, they will eventually shine through no matter who tries to steal your shine.

I was having a conversation with my mom yesterday and she reminded of this. She mentioned specific names of people I have had issues with in my past and said "what happened with him? what happened with her? what happened with them?" She reminded me that when people seek to bring falseness against you, or seek to do harm, they may succeed at first but in the long run the truth will always surface.

And please let me be clear - I am not talking about sitting back and doing nothing either! I'm talking about prayer, forgiveness, letting go and claiming PEACE because life is just too short to dwell on negative things. Make sure your intentions are good and your heart is in the right place and for goodness sake, don't worry so much! The cream will always rise to the top :)

Hurricane Irene: Reflections during the storm

New Yorkers have gotten a little taste of some things that many in other parts of the country are all too familiar with. We had a minor earthquake (more like a tremor from Virginia's earthquake) last week and people were really freaking out! I'm from California so I've seen a few earthquakes and even slept through one. Earthquake drills were pretty standard in school so I know to take cover and stay put if it's a bad quake. It was kind of crazy to me that people were running outside when they felt the quake. Clearly, New Yorkers are just not prepared for this kind of thing...

And now, here we are waiting for Irene, a category 1 hurricane to come shake things up. I went to Duane Reade and it was a madhouse! The supermarket was even worse. People are stocking up on all sorts of items especially water and batteries. I read in the Times that Pop Tarts are the #1 "emergency food" being sold? Okay, okay, I bought some pop tarts too :) But mostly because comfort snacks really help when I am nervous... and I admit, I am kind of nervous about this storm.

I think the main reason we freak out about natural disasters is that we have zero control over them. We are basically at the mercy of God and we have to do what we can to stay safe and cling to our loved ones and say a couple prayers because in a world where we take so much power into our own hands, nature reminds us gently (or sometimes harshly) that the power is really not in our hands at all.

A friend posted this picture on Facebook of a completely empty Grand Central Terminal... I thought it was beautiful. Beautiful because if anything at all, Hurricane Irene is forcing NYC to just calm down for a minute. Slow down... stay home with your loved ones and slow the heck down already! We've been needing that for a while.

Tonight, I realize how blessed I am to have a place to wait out the storm. My prayers are with those who have no home, no family, and nowhere to go.

Stay safe NYC - XO,

~A

Baby Dedication

You must know by now, that faith is a huge part, if not the centerpiece of my life. What gets me through time and time again is knowing that my life is in God's hands and not just that I believe in God, but I believe God. I believe that he will take care of me, I believe that he is always here with me... I just believe. Since having my little boy, I am even more in awe of God's presence in my life and I am even more determined to share this faith with my son.

We go to a Christian Non-Denominational church called "New Season Christian Center". If you are ever in the Bronx and you want to check it out, you should! It's pretty awesome. Their Facebook page is here.

Anyway, we do something called a "Baby Dedication" ceremony which is a lot like a christening except baby doesn't get any water splashed on him. It is just a way of saying "Hey God, thanks for this child, he belongs to me but in reality he belongs to you and I promise to teach him all about you and leave him in your hands." It is a beautiful occasion but more importantly, it is a commitment that parents make along with any Godparents, family, and the church community. Last Sunday, we had Aiden's dedication ceremony and it was such a memorable experience.

I wanted him to wear all white because it is traditional and I think it looks really beautiful and is symbolic so I searched all over for the perfect outfit. I didn't want to get him one of those christening outfits with the satin pants and bow-tie because our church is pretty casual and we are more of a "preppy" style family. So I found some really nice white trousers, a button down that we rolled the sleeves up to the elbows and a white v-neck pullover sweater vest. He was adorable!There was a slide show with pictures of Aiden and our family shown during the ceremony... and then we repeated some promises ... "vows" to our baby about how we will always love and protect him. His Godparents; our dear friends Esteban and Caroline were also a part of the ceremony and it was really beautiful. At the end, our Pastor prayed a blessing over Aiden while I cried and cried tears of joy.

After the service, we had some of our family over to our place for a small celebration. Aiden's Godmother baked a cake and we shared food and fun. Aiden must have known the party was for him because he simply refused to take his nap while everyone was there. I'll never forget this day! Here are some pictures:

Godmother, Godfather, Prince Aiden, Daddy and Mama :)

Pastor Phil about to pray for Aiden

His first certificate! I'm going to hang it next to his Honor Roll awards and College Degree :)

A beautiful gift from his Grandma Mimo (my mom) - a baby dedication photo frame.

Awesome gift from his Godparents :)

The end of his special day; Aiden Kyle and Mama

"I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27

Trust: It's like a chair

My aunt Shirley gave me some pretty awesome advice that I just had to share.... TRUST is something so precious to me, and I am sure to many in our relationships with others. Once someone has my trust, they are on a whole other level with me and just as it is precious, it is not easy to gain. And just as it is not easy to gain, it is not easy to regain once that trust has been betrayed. Lately, I've been praying and asking God to help me with trust issues. To help me trust and see the good in others. To give GRACE as it was given to me. I know that my prayers will be answered. In the mean time, I'd like to share the words my aunt shared with me about trust---

It's like a chair. If it fails to hold your weight, you can't trust it anymore until it is made right. It needs to be repaired. It takes work. If the chair never gets aligned with rightness or in our case righteousness, trust cannot happen again

Hoping we can do the "work" to fix our broken chairs,

~A

"If I was all that was left, would I be enough?"

• Contemplating so many things right now...

• praying and quietly reflecting...

• grasping on to PEACE because it can sometimes feel like I am drowning in loneliness, Despite the fullness of my life.

• Remembering a Spanish worship song - "Jesus mi Fiel Amigo, Mi Dulce Caminar, Quedate conmigo" ...

• Understanding and believing that he is my ONLY faithful friend.

• Hoping that one day I will open my heart enough to trust a friend again.

• Knowing that even if I cannot, even if there was no-one and HE was all that was left... HE would be enough :)

~A

I cried a whole lot, I hoped, got angry, and prayed a lot too. Then I had a cup of tea, picked myself up and moved on...

I'm a "stay at home mom" right now and it's been a very HARD but rewarding job. There is no better "paycheck" than seeing your little baby happy and cared for. Like a lot of stay at home moms, I do watch daytime television. I will pretty much try any advice Oprah or Dr. Oz has to offer and when I tell people that I am eating something because Dr. Oz says so, they immediately respond with an "Oh Wow, really? I'm gonna try that too." No questions asked. That's where this post actually comes from - something Oprah said that flipped a switch in my head and caused a huge "Aha moment."

She had some white supremacists on her show to talk about racism. Oprah, like me, is big on communication and talking things out. She always says that open, honest conversations are important and it is a huge priority in my life to always communicate and avoid "stone-walling" when it comes to my feelings. But she said that during this particular show, she realized something surprising -- This conversation was not helping, it was making the whole situation worse. She realized at that moment that not everything should be discussed and some conversations just aren't going to be "communication" no matter how much you want them to be. Some conversations just make things worse.

I had been dealing with a lot of pain since the ending of 2010 and that situation, paired with my pregnancy and the hormones, created a wound in my heart that I had hoped an open, honest conversation would eventually heal. I cried a whole lot, I hoped for a reconciliation, I got angry at the situation and the person(s) involved, I prayed in secret for direction, discernment, and forgiveness. AND THEN, I had my "aha moment". Some conversations just aren't going to be communicative and maybe that's why I won't have them. Some conversations will just make things worse and maybe man's rejection really is God's protection. Maybe with marriage and motherhood my life is really just taking a turn and "talking things out" will just make the break jagged instead of clean.

So, I had a cup of tea and I wrote this blog... I picked myself up out of my sadness and I looked into the big grey-blue eyes of my new baby boy... and I moved on. And it feels good, and I feel stronger. What's done is done and some conversations, just don't need to happen.

Savoring peace,

~A

Admire without the need to Acquire

I have to give the "cred" to my Pastor for this pretty awesome quote. It totally put things into perspective for me and is something I am learning more and more as my journey continues. My beautiful friend recently came over to bring me cookies (I had a craving and she is awesome) and we had this great conversation about relationships and how they change with the stages in our lives. I'd recently been agonizing over some friendships and she really spoke to my core when she said "April, you need to realize that this isn't about YOU... some people need to deal with themselves and learn to be happy with where they are in life."

I've definitely had those moments where I am envious of where a relative or friend is at in their lives. I know a couple who got married and immediately bought a house and while I was happy for them, it made me question God (from my tiny apartment)... like "Where is my house?" We have friends who take sweet vacations several times a year, get to shop at "Crate and Barrel" while we get all our stuff at Target, or have already landed the jobs of their dreams. Sometimes it's hard not to compare and it's even harder to be around these friends when I am feeling this. I guess when we struggle with jealousy, it's easier to stay away but is that the right thing to do? The problem lies within ME and my inability to be truly happy with where I am regardless of anyone else. Let me just add -- it's OK to be unhappy with where your life is. It's OK to admit that and say " I want more" but why is it? Is it based on what others have or is it based on what you TRULY want for yourself? I think that is the big difference.

In September of last year I started grad school and 2 of my girlfriends also did. Well, I remember having a conversation with another friend who is still finishing up her undergrad and she said that she did not want to have a party to celebrate her graduation. She said "I will just throw a big party when I finish grad school in a couple years". This really made me sad! I remember having this heart-to-heart with her and saying "No, you should celebrate this achievement and where you are right NOW". I think she was basing her decision on where other friends around her were and not remembering to celebrate in her own accomplishments. When we are constantly paying attention to others, we risk missing out on the beautiful moments of our own lives. We need to learn to ADMIRE without the need to ACQUIRE. I finished my first semester of grad school and loved it!! But now, I am taking time off to have a baby... sure, my friends will probably finish before me but this is MY PATH and everything needs to happen in the timing that is right for me. Plus, I think babies are so much cuter than diplomas :)

Jealousy causes people to try to be important in the eyes of man. If you have this problem, understand that God has you where you are for a reason. He knows what’s in your future, and He may have you in training for it right now. There’s a big difference between being able and being ready to do a specific thing. So don't despise the days of small beginnings. -- Joyce Meyer

I realize that at 26 years old, I am not in the same place as most of my peers. I'm a wife and mother and that alone puts me on such a unique path. I was blessed recently by a meetup that I had with some other young married women. We went out to dinner at Brother Jimmy's BBQ on the upper east side (so yummy) to just chat and have a relaxing night out. It was awesome because I looked around the table and conversation flowed so naturally. It's nice to connect and have support from others who are on similar paths... but I am learning that it's also beneficial to learn from and connect with those who are on different paths as well. We don't all need to be in the same place and we can admire each other, appreciate each other and not feel the need to change a thing about ME just because of where YOU are.

The lion in the Chronicles of Narnia said it best "when you want to be like someone else, you wish YOURSELF away.

My thoughts on this subject are still incomplete... but I will say this --I look in the mirror and I am happy with me :) "

Xo,

"Count your Blessings April " -- My Mom

Okay so today was my birthday! I am sure that around this time next year, I will be too busy planning my son's first birthday (we are going to share a month) to even care about celebrating my own... so this one was kind of important to me. Still, planning my son's is going to take the cake! Ha, no pun intended =)

Anyway, I'm not going to lie - there was a bit of sadness for me today. I am used to celebrating every year with friends and this year I didn't even get a "happy birthday" from most of those same friends. What I've been learning the past few months is that I can't just WANT... I have to be WANTED too and I'm learning to embrace and accept that. It's just hard when you think that friendships are stronger than they actually are.... maybe than they actually ever were. It sort of feels like it was all a lie and makes you feel dumb to have fought so much for someone and when it is their turn, they aren't willing to fight for you. Today, on my birthday I couldn't help but feel that sadness and mourn a little for those relationships... but then my mom said something to me: --- "COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS APRIL" ---> she really is smart isn't she??

So, though I don't "list post" very often, I decided that I am going to do just that. Because today I had a really great birthday and I am so very blessed.. Really I am!!! And I won't let sadness over a few people who don't want me to overshadow all the LOVE I felt from the loads of people who do! Love, family, friendships are so abundant in my life and I am so grateful to God for that.


1) A SAVIOR -- Waves of mercy, waves of grace, everywhere I look I see your face! I am blessed to know that I don't have to be perfect, that in my weakness he is strong and that he already paid the price so that I don't have to. That no-matter what, he LOVES me more than anyone ever will.

2) My husband --- yea, that's right I got a man! I come home to an extraordinary person every single day. I don't have to be anyone but myself with him... I don't have to try too hard... he just loves me for me. He stood up and made vows to love me forever and I am the luckiest girl alive. He respects me, and values me and sees my heart. He is a real partner and friend. Today, he sent me to a Maternity Spa for a massage, leg treatment and facial! And bought me strawberry cheesecake from my new favorite pastry shop - Enrico's. He showed me his love on my birthday but more than that he demonstrates his love for me every single day. I thank God that I have been blessed with this man and I am beyond thrilled to be carrying a part of him -- our son.

3) My Mom -- she was the inspiration behind my post today. She has taught me what sacrificial love is and she exemplifies Christ to me on a daily basis. She is patient, loving and understanding and she loves me unconditionally. I can tell her ANYTHING and I do. We have always talked about everything and I am so grateful for the bond that we have shared. I know some young women who don't talk to their moms about what is on their heart and that just makes me appreciate what I have so much. My mom is my best friend and today, she did so much to make my day special.

4) My Family -- I have a huge family so I won't go into details with names but I am grateful for all of them. My in-laws were here today and I am grateful to have married in to such a close, fun, and crazy family =) My aunts, uncles, cousins both near and far called, texted, emailed, Facebooked to show me their love on my birthday and it is so special to know I have been thought of. My beautiful niece left me a voice-mail and sang "happy birthday" to me. There is just nothing that matters more than my family.

5) My Church Family -- New Season Christian Center! I can't describe with words the blessing these people are in my life. I have found an amazing group of women who have supported me throughout my pregnancy with their advice, their love, and prayers. I have gained a new group of friends in the awesome worship team.. I have gotten to know other couples, singles, and some amazing kids. I got some touching messages and words of love from these people today and many birthday wishes I will never forget.

6) Girlfriends-- I had an awesome (and yummy) LADIES night in the city with my wonderful friends this week... young married women like me who have given me so much support and love that I have much needed. I got a special visit from a friend who brought me Girl Scout Cookies just because I was craving them and she wanted to make me happy :) I got yellow roses from another friend and a mani/pedi gift card handmade by her! I got a voicemail from a lovely friend in Queens who has been there for me and worn her heart on her sleeve. I have learned so much to value my relationships with other women and in the last few months GOD HIMSELF has sent some ladies into my path that have been such a blessing.

7) Guy Friends -- Ya know what I love about my guy friends? They are so simple and they don't get caught up in drama. LOL. I have been blessed by their consistency and that in itself is just amazing. They are fun and make me laugh and laughter really is the best medicine.

8) My Job -- throughout this whole pregnancy and especially the doctor's orders for me to stay on bed rest.. my company has been amazing and I am so grateful to have the option of working from home while I get ready to welcome Baby Picon into the world. I got a birthday card from my co-workers today and really appreciated that. God has provided this job for me and I am blessed!

9) Health -- God really knows what he is doing when making our bodies! I have seen that TRULY in the last 9 months. Even though pregnancy takes a toll, I am grateful that I have good health and strength to carry this child.

10) A beautiful apartment, food on the table, NO debt, bills paid, and savings --- Materially speaking, God has provided and I know that nothing I have is because of me. We have made steps this year that I am so grateful we have had the chance to make and I thank God for his provision.

=) Annnnddd my 26th year is bringing the biggest blessing yet -- the birth of my son! Who really needs more? What can I say I am missing? How can I be sad? When I count my blessings it is evident that there is just so much more reason to DANCE than to mourn. That my ashes have been traded in for BEAUTY and that my despair is no longer because I have been given a garment of PRAISE. (Isaiah 61:3)

Happy Birthday to me! And thanks to all of you who care and who made it special. You have no idea what that meant to me especially this year!

Xo,

Family Tree

I'm so excited for my son to be born in the next two months... it is still kind of surreal that I am going to be a mother. Just to think that 4 years ago I met this man who would be my husband... we fell in love, got married and are now starting our very own family is the best feeling in the world. I've always been the maternal type, babysitting nearly all of my younger cousins at some point; I changed my first diaper at like 9 years old... it has been my grandest desire to be a wife and mother ... more than any other goal in my life it is this I have asked God to grant me. AND here we are :) I can't help but just GUSH about this new life inside of me because I feel so blessed.

With this blessing comes a lot to be nervous about too! I have been praying to God about certain "generational curses" that have affected my family as I add another branch to our family tree. I have seen too many of my loved ones fall to these simply because it is how we were raised. It hurts me even today to see certain family members struggle because they feel defined by the type of man their father was, a particular lifestyle or addiction, financial status, and even an illness. The body of Christ or "The Church" as many refer to it literally rests on the institution of family and when we allow the enemy to break apart our families, we allow him to break apart our body as believers. This is why the family unit is so important to be preserved and nurtured.

I thank God because since I was old enough to make the decision, I proposed in my heart to create my own legacy and fulfill the destiny I was meant to regardless of how I grew up. Up until today, God has been faithful! Though I come from a divorced home I was able to take the leap of faith and I am happily married, though addiction has plagued my family I can say that I have never even tried drugs, though education was not an option in past generations, I was the first in my family to graduate college.

God is faithful when we set our minds and CHOOSE to take accountability for our own lives. I pray that he gives me the strength to do this when raising my son as well. It is not always emotionally easy to break away from these generational curses... you can't change your family and you can't change the past. But you CAN determine your future! Even in the tough times when I am reminded that I don't have a father I can depend on, or when I have to witness the addiction struggles of someone dear to me... even in those times when all I can do is cry and feel sorry for myself - GOD reminds me that he is ever PRESENT in my life and HE DEFINES ME not the circumstances in my family. I can honestly and truly say that I am content... I have joy that surpasses understanding. Healing is happening and as the word says, I am confident that he who began his good work in me will carry it out to completion until the day I am joined to him for all eternity =) I won't be my father or my mother, I won't be anyone but the person I am destined to be!!

This song by Matthew West was recently played on one of my favorite TV shows and since hearing it, I feel like it is my anthem. Take a listen - the lyrics are included!

Blessed and in awe,
~April

Letting Go

My very good friend gave me this inside of a card several years ago when I was going through a rough break-up. We were also co-workers at that time so my friend got to see me every day and experience my "loss" with me. I literally went through the grieving process and eventually learned to let this toxic relationship go. Today, I find myself on the brink of more changes, more relationships to let go of, and more "brush" to clear out of my path so that I can move forward.

Today, when I feel lonely and abandoned.. when I feel that I have loved unconditionally, been transparent and showed my TRUE self but it wasn't enough... when I feel let down or rejected... I am reminded of these words that my wonderful friend gave me years ago...

LET IT GO by T.D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains... LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.... LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ... LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for this year!!! LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

Judgement and Discernment

Spiritual gifts as outlined in 1 Corinthians chapter 12 are a very interesting thing... We know that there are different kinds of gifts but they all come from the same Holy Spirit and the purposes of these are to edify, redeem, build up others and ourselves. Discernment in particular is something I have prayed and asked God for since I was a child. I knew all about this spiritual gift and there have been many times throughout my life that God has given me discernment either for my own protection or to speak to someone else. It is a "heavy" thing (the best way I know how to describe it) to perceive in your spirit the intentions, purposes and many times "other" spirits behind a person's words or actions. We see discernment of spirits utilized a lot in the ministry of Paul for the purpose of delivering others. Ultimately, discernment comes from a wisdom that is God's and God's alone with a redemptive purpose.

Judgment however (which is often mistaken for discernment) comes from a "wisdom" that is human. Based on what we know, see, believe to be and therefore tainted by our own views. Our own situations can be an influence in this type of "wisdom" ... we can compare how we would handle something to how another is handling it. We begin to measure based on OUR views, OUR prejudices, OUR passions. The problem with this is it is not perfect since a wisdom formed on our own will always be flawed. The problem with this is it is punitive and critical. Ultimately, judgment will never build anyone or anything up, will never redeem and will always destroy. It is a trait that is very much one of our enemy who is named "the one who accuses".


When speaking to each other, offering advice, listening to a problem, or even thinking about a situation... it's important that we ask -- are we using discernment or judgment? Remember, WE ALL HAVE ISSUES. As a body (1 Cor 12:12) we are meant to depend on each other... just as the fingers need the hand. We are meant to care for each other and carry each other's burdens (Galatians 6:2). What good am I as a part of this body if I pass judgment on a member that is not functioning, and say "well you need to just go get fixed." ?? If this was the way we were supposed to treat each other, I'd have very few conversations with the people I love. I'd just send them all to therapy and say "come see me when you've worked out your issues".


Carry each other's burdens...

~A

"For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you." - Matt 7:1

What am I Worth?

I've had some pregnancy related health issues and was put on bed rest this week by my doctor. With my husband working full time and my mother stuck in California (her flights have been canceled because of the winter weather) it has been difficult to get up and do things for myself because I have been in so much pain. During trying times like these and the only two people I know I can count on being unavailable, I have been struggling with feelings of loneliness and disappointment that so few friends have asked me how I'm doing, or offered to come over and help out. It's been a long painful week (physically and a little emotionally) and I admit, I've been feeling sort of sorry for myself.

But then... I recently read a Facebook status on my good friend Noemi's page about self-worth and it really got me thinking. I don't remember the exact quote but it basically said that we should never let another person determine our value (worth) when Jesus already set that value as he died on the cross for us. Her post really touched me at my core and was a turning point in my attitude this week.

Now, let me just say that I've been "in church" my whole life practically. I'm a Pastor's grand-daughter but was raised in my grandparents home (from the age of 9) so I definitely feel I had the "PK" experience... I'm basically a product of the faith my mother and grandparents instilled in me from such a young age. The bible was the guide my family always used morally, socially, in our finances, relationships... in everything! I actually find myself quoting the bible in random situations like office meetings and of course, my co-workers have no idea but it's just kind of second nature to me. Now please don't get the wrong impression, I am not saying this to boast. I realize that I was blessed to be raised in a family of faith but in many ways, this has made it soooo easy for me to take my relationship with God for-granted. When something is so ingrained in you, it almost stops being "special" if you let it. I'm not quite sure how to word this but I hope you get what I mean. Anyway, back on track here -- when I read my friend's post it REALLY HIT ME! Especially for the particular season I have been going through, it's like I let this powerful truth float to the back of my mind and have really been doing just the opposite - I have been letting others determine my value.

I read a lot of Joyce Meyer books and I think she is an awesome teacher of the word. She is my favorite and that's basically because I can relate so much to where she has been and how she has coped throughout her life. In her book "The Confident Woman" Joyce addresses the issue of insecurity and learning to stand firm in the security that God gives us. That book really ministered to me and though I read it several years ago, I plan to revisit it soon. When I was a child, I was exposed to the world of addiction and how it can completely shatter a family... it shattered mine. My parent's marriage not only deteriorated as a result of my father's addictions but I was abandoned as well. The abandonment of a parent (father-daughter) has such HUGE impact on the self-esteem of that girl and it has been my life's journey to pick up the mess and move forward as a confident woman. My confidence cannot come from myself, but only the trust I have in God and his plan for my life. My confidence can only come from the assurance that HE LOVES ME and LOVED ME SO MUCH that he sent his son to die for me. This simple, powerful truth is so easily forgotten in the midst of our circumstances, life and relationships with others.

I'm grateful that God has placed people in my life and out of his love for me, I have also been blessed by the love of others. But what happens when these people get to their wit's end? Human beings, we tend to have limits and though very few people will admit it, our love isn't naturally unconditional. Not even a parent's love... well, not every parent I can say that from experience. Corinthians says that "Love endures all things" but when the going get's tough, are we really ready to make that commitment in our families and friendships? And if not, how do we handle it when our closest friends say "I can't take it anymore"? Maybe life just pushes us further apart, maybe we just can't deal with each-others baggage anymore, maybe the relationship has just become too difficult... who knows? But how do we handle this? Do we stop believing that we are worthy of love? I did... but I assure you, only for a short time!

The feeling of abandonment is the most difficult of all for me because it always takes me back to the issues with my father. I hope one day to be completely healed from that and truly forgive my dad. Just when I think I have, something happens that triggers a feeling that was hiding deep down inside. When it feels like people who I love are giving up on me, it is by far the greatest challenge but ya know, my faith is in he who LOVED me and he who determined my value a long time ago when he said "you are worth my blood, you are worth my life".

I am blessed to have those people in my life who have stuck by me... who have with all my flaws and weaknesses decided to love me and not give up... But I am learning now that these people I can only count with one hand. And that's ok! I know my worth and I will no longer let anyone else weigh in.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

From the heart,

~April