Confessions of a PK Part 3: Moving On...

It's Thursday, 2:12am and I work in a few hours... I'm up... I'm wide awake... sleep has not come easy the last few days.

From the time I started this blog series, I knew it would be 3 parts and I knew the last part would be titled "moving on"... what I didn't know was how much significance that title would have in this very moment.. the  very moment I take my fingers to the keyboard and write it. In all of the craziness of the last six days, I just needed to write.. so here I am, at 2am, writing because I really need to.

My Grandfather... my awesome, kind, funny, loving, Welo left this earth on Friday. He went home to be with God and I am so, so, happy for him. I wonder what he must be doing right now? I have been wondering a lot and wishing I could just catch a glimpse of him walking.. whole... healthy and free down the golden streets of heaven. You see.. there are many, many things that I doubt in my life. I struggle with all sorts of doubt. I doubt who I am, I doubt where I am going, I doubt God even at times... but one thing I am absolutely certain of is that my grandfather is in heaven. Because, yes, I believe there is a heaven and if anyone can get in - he can. That man's faith was more real than anything and this certainty that I have is the only thing giving me peace.

Because losing someone you love is crazy hard. I know he was old, and I know he was sick.. and I thought I was prepared to lose him.. but I wasn't, I really wasn't and I still am not. Truthfully, I want him back. I want to rub his bald head and I want to tell him I love you... and I so desperately want to hear him say "I love you too" except he really would say it "I loo juuu tooo" and it was perfect.

But that's the thing.. I can't. I have to move on and it really, really sucks. I remember when I decided it was time for me to move on from my Grandfather's church. The man was a Pastor and I lived under his roof. On Sundays we all went to church together and I decided I needed to go my own way. Trust me, it was a big deal. I was terrified to talk with him about it... I didn't want to hurt him. There were things about my faith that I was questioning and there were convictions that became crystal clear.. and I wasn't going to grow if I didn't move on.

I'd learned how to love Jesus in my Grandfather's church. I'd accept Christ as my personal savior in Sunday School. He was my Pastor not just in that church but at home too. He was also my Dad... and I didn't know how to separate the two or even if I could. One day, I stood home from work and Welo was alone in the living room.. I decided to talk to him about things and to my surprise, he already knew what I was going to say.

That day, Welo told me that my destiny was a great one. He said that he always knew I would move on one day. He told me "April, you have a calling for nations inside of you"... I wasn't sure what that meant at the time but it is something that has become more clear through the years. He told me to move on and that it was okay. He made me promise him to not forget what I had learned and to never give up because this world has nothing to offer me... that was always his focus.. what are you investing in eternity? So many things in this world are fleeting, but eternity.. eternity is what matters.  That conversation was one of the last heart to hearts that we had and I will always treasure it.

It was that talk that helped me to move on...  and now, I wish I could have one last talk with him... so that I can move on .. but I can't. I have to find the strength, I have to pray for the strength and honestly I have no idea how I am going to do it. I wish I could end this more eloquently but I  guess that is all I have to say.

I miss my Welo so much...

Family Day at the park.

Confessions of a PK, Part 2: Kid Under the Microscope

Let me start with this... I have a Pastor and he has two beautiful little daughters. I feel such a strong connection to those girls because of my upbringing and I also appreciate the work their parents do so much, that I seek to love on these kids, protect them, let them know how special they are... because YES, their parents work hard to bless my life and so YES they are special to me. I strive to treat my Pastor's kids in this way because if I am telling the truth, it is the way I would have liked to be treated in my Grandfather's church.

I remember the first time I felt like I was under the microscope. A deacon in the church made it her life's mission to "catch me" talking to a friend during the sermon. Let's face it, an 11 year old kid is going to get a little distracted during a 5 hour long service so all of us would talk, pass notes, the usual. But it's like this woman needed it to be me... she waited, she watched and boy would she complain. It was the first time I realized that I was different from my friends in church.. and to be honest, I didn't want to be. I just wanted to be a regular kid.

I felt people were harder on me than anyone else because of who my Grandfather was... I guess they thought that if he was this amazing, God pleasing person I should be too... so my attitude quickly became -- "I am going to be".

With my Grandfather on Christmas morning... (Jasmine is the closest thing to a Latina Princess we have okay)

I was an over-achiever and I aimed to please others right away... but somehow I always ended up feeling inadequate because my passion was never enough, my effort was never enough... heck, even my heart was never enough. I know now that this is the problem with a legalistic belief system... that no one ever really measures up (Romans 4:15) and there are certain biblical truths I would be on a journey to discover myself. Still, I had to face many road bumps along the way.

I had to smile, I had to be on my A-game all of the time and I to this day, wish adults would have known better than to put that kind of pressure on me. The weird thing is my Grandfather himself never put that pressure on me... he would get complaints about how "April wore the wrong thing to church today" or "April didn't come to such and such event" and he never even told me about them. I would later come to learn that someone called him at home or pulled him aside and he would always, always SHUT THEM DOWN. Afterall, I was his baby =) I have to credit my grandmother for this too. She would always stick up for me.

Holding me as a baby

Over time, I had to learn how to take it in stride and simply be true to myself. It  is still something I am learning to do. One thing I learned from my Grandfather is that nothing is more important than loving others. Even when I did feel judged by someone else, I worked hard to love them because it is really love that conquers all.

I hated feeling like a specimen under the microscope... there is an element of that, that I still struggle with to this day. My guard is always up... in many negative ways it formed me but now I can say that it formed me in positive ways too.

I am so grateful for everything in my life... I wish some things could have been different but overall, I am just grateful. I love you Welo!

Confessions of a PK: Part 1

From Wikipedia: Preacher's kid (abbreviated as PK) is a term to refer to a child of a preacher, pastor, deacon, vicar, lay leader, minister or other similar church leader. Although the phrase can be used in a purely descriptive way, it may also used be as a stereotype.

My grandfather officiating a wedding

Technically speaking, my MOM is actually the Pastor's kid... her dad (my grandfather) has been in ministry as a pentecostal preacher/pastor (say THAT 5 times fast!)  since he was only 17 years old. Although my mom was raised in the church, when the time came for her to move out on her own she also went her own way for a while in terms of faith. My mom moved 3000 miles away to California to raise her family and while she taught us about the importance of God in our lives, I can't say that I ever felt or understood the magnitude this faith had in our family. My grandparents would come visit every summer and we'd have family worship services every Sunday while they were in town. I loved it! We would sing songs and my Grandpa would preach a sermon and I just loved my grandparents and everything about them. I thought my Grandfather was like.. one of God's favorite people or some kind of VIP or something. I remember thinking that if I just asked him to pray for something, it would come true. He was like magic! When the summer was over, they would get on a plane back to New York and life would continue... we'd go to church on special occasions, I'd say my prayers every night.. but nothing outside of that. Until the divorce...

When my parents called it quits on their marriage, my mom needed a way to support my brother and me on her own. I've written about my father before so needless to say, he was not very involved. I was 10 years old at the time and we moved to New York to live with my Grandparents. Immediately, we started going to church with them every Sunday (anyone under that roof, goes to church) and Mondays, and Tuesdays, and Fridays.... it was a full time gig. As a child, I loved being a part of the church. I began to really grow and realize certain talents that I had by being able to express them at church. I found a new sense of belonging and made so many lifelong friends. But my "church life" did not remain in that building... I was the Pastor's kid... it was in my everyday life, in my home, and eventually ingrained in me as a person.

My hubby and I at a Pastor appreciation service for my Grandpa

My Grandfather was the real deal. He was so passionate about his work for God and he really, truly, lived out everything that he preached. I'm not saying he didn't make mistakes but he was genuine and full of love for God and the people that he led. He kept a yellow notepad by the phone in the kitchen with the name and number of every single member of his congregation. He Pastored over 300 people (for a church in the south Bronx, that is a lot!) and every Sunday evening would grab that notepad and make phone calls to everyone who had missed service that day. He made all his calls from the kitchen and I'd hear him saying - "I missed you, can I pray for you, I hope to see you next week". He would pray every single morning in the living room of our house at 5am. I would sometimes sit down in the hallway when I couldn't sleep and listen to him pray... it was inspiring and heart warming the way he mentioned every single man, woman, and child by name.

I can't say that the Pentecostal religion was the path for my life, but I can say that a path of faith in Christ was and I know that it was my Grandfather who started me on this path. My experience being in a Pastoral family with a fundamentalist belief system was not always great. Many times I was made to feel judged, inadequate,  constantly watched and observed by others. Those pressures and negative experiences are something I know I need to work through, but today I will just tell you that my Grandfather represented NONE of those things. He was loving, he was inclusive, he was the first one to admit that he was flawed and imperfect and he truly LOVED people. He truly loved me and it is a love I feel even now that he has dementia and can no longer verbally express.

Hanging out Poolside at a family reunion. THIS is the side of him I will always hold close... the jokester, the storyteller, the Father I was missing and he so boldly stepped in to be for me :)

 I'm interested in hearing from any other PK's out there. As I work through this and write about it, I'd love to know what you think. That's all for now.

XO,

Catch Up Post: Holidays and Family Traditions

Why, HELLO Blog world! Have I missed you!

With the new position at work, my personal writing, family, and ministry projects it has been nearly impossible to find blogging time but I wanted to touch base and also ramble a bit about the Holidays.

Thanksgiving was wonderful!! We spent most of the day at our church serving a Thanksgiving meal to the community. Nearly 200 people came and were fed a warm meal that day. We also had a mini pantry so that they can take groceries home, live music, crayons and coloring sheets for the kids.. it was so much fun to be a part of. Here are some pics from that event:

All ready to get started. Green Beans!!

Awesome team of servers.

After church, we went to my mom's for dinner and some family time.  My aunt is visiting from Arizona so it was nice to spend a Thanksgiving with her after so many years. I can truly say that I am thankful for so much and it was amazing to be able to give back on this day. It really made me start to think about my little family and the traditions we are starting with Aiden. He is 19 months old now - such a big boy!

I want to make sure that we teach him to give back and perhaps make it a Thanksgiving tradition to volunteer or help out in some way. I think it is an important thing to teach him so I look forward to serving with my husband and our son in the future.

And speaking of traditions... what are your holiday traditions? I have so many that I grew up with and ever since creating a family of my own, we have been working on incorporating our old traditions but also coming up with some brand new ones! The beauty of family traditions are that you can enjoy them as a family. One thing I don't want are for my traditions to become a routine or even worse.. an obligation. What we do, should always be out of LOVE and not a sense of feeling obligated to attend a function or guilted into it for that matter.  I would hate for Aiden to grow up and feel like he "has no choice" but to come  home for the Holidays. I want him to have fond memories of the Holidays and his traditions as a child... it's time to make memories!!

For Christmas Eve, we will be letting Aiden open up gifts from extended family and friends. Eventually, this will happen at midnight but while he is still a baby, he can open gifts before bed. We'll have dinner and some fun and maybe we'll even leave cookies and milk out for Santa :)

On Christmas morning, we will have a family breakfast and open up gifts together under the tree. Aiden can get his gifts from "Santa" (mama and dada) and we can spend the day in our PJ's, just us.

Our Tree- Christmas 2012 :)

I'd like to eventually start some Holiday activities together... maybe an art project or a favorite recipe we create together. Who knows... but for now, I think our traditions are starting to shape up. I am so very grateful for my little family and the opportunity to celebrate and be together during these special times. I just LOVE the holidays!!

Catch ya later,
~A

My Mother's Day!!

 I am going to make this post short and sweet but I needed to write about my Mother's Day! I enjoyed a Guatemalan breakfast and a beautiful church service. I got gorgeous flowers from my hubby and adorable paper flowers at church. I got an awesome Android Tablet from my Mommy and new Converse from my hubby.  I spent the day surrounded by LOVE... it was amazing.

Here are the top 10 reasons my Mother's Day was PERFECTION:


1) Because I woke up late (9:30am) to smells of freshly brewed coffee and a yummy breakfast being prepared... to a baby who had been changed and was playing happily.

2) Because a good friend stood over the night before and we stood up chit-chatting until 2am. She was the maker of the yummy breakfast on Mother's Day morning.

3) Because my amazing, hero of a man woke up early with the baby and kept him occupied and entertained while I caught some much needed Z's.

4) Because that same man got me beautiful flowers, a heartfelt card and a new pair of converse! God bless him for knowing the way to my heart.

5) Because I got all dolled up for church and spent the morning worshiping my savior and hanging with my extraordinary church family.

6) Because I spent the evening with my sweet boy, and my beautiful mother and grandmother. We had a wonderful visit!

7) Because I got so many thoughtful, warm wishes from friends and family ... and they all made me feel so loved and appreciated.

8) Because I spent the day EXACTLY the way my heart desired. Around amazing people who lift me up, encourage me as a mother, and constantly bless me with their positive words and genuine care.

9) Because I had a day that was care free.. for that I thank my husband who took all my cares into his hands and let me do whatever would make me happy.

10) Because I chose to not care about anyone's expectations for just one day. I did what I wanted and what I felt was sincere. I just LET GO of all worries and things "I need to do" or people "I need to see"... I did exactly what I wanted and it felt sooooo good.

AND those are the ten reasons why I had the perfect Mother's Day. Sadly, I did not take any pictures because I was too busy having an awesome day. I know that makes me a bad blogger, sorry friends!

I hope all the Mommies had an amazing day too - it isn't an easy job and you are all so loved and appreciated!!

XO,

Mother's Day Week: My Best Friend, My Mommy ...

She has taught me what it means to love unconditionally... to love sacrificially... to always forgive ... to be strong and courageous ...  My mom is my super-hero!

For most of my life, it was just the two of us... we usually shared a room and I remember countless nights spent snuggled in bed with a bowl of cereal watching a good chick flick. My mom has always been my best friend. She held me up during the most difficult times in my life.

When I came home with a broken heart, she listened to me recount the whole story and let me cry on her shoulder. She never judged me for my imperfections or turned her back on me when other people did...  she was always there, arms wide open and she still is.

When I became a mother, my bond with my own mom only got stronger. I could finally understand the way she loves me and I could finally share that feeling with her. During labor and my difficult recovery, my mom's presence was like a Godsend. She was as she has always been throughout my life -- she was my rock.

I think she is the most beautiful, kind, strong, fierce woman I know... she cries during sappy movies and when her car breaks down, she doesn't pull out her cell phone -- she gets out and looks under the hood! She is soft and nurturing but she is also tough and a force to be reckoned with.

I will always treasure our times together... our long talks, our times watching Lifetime movies or singing along with the radio in the car... on this Mother's day, I just want to say that I am so grateful for the amazing woman who is my mommy.. and I am beyond blessed to have her in my life. She is the best mom to me and grandma to my son .. and I simply could not be where I am without her.

Mommy, I love you so much.. Happy almost Mother's Day!

The Lamboys =) She is the glue that has held us together

My Birthday: the first recap of many!

I have had no time to blog! There is so much going on in this little life of mine that I am just dying to write about... I wish I could just put the universe on hold for a while and finish up all of the drafted blog posts in my queue. Now that I am over my birthday and Easter, I am on full out - 1st Birthday planning mode for Aiden. We have two weeks! But before that, let me fill you in on how my birthday went... I will hopefully post about Easter too because it was AMAZING but that will take a completely separate post. By the time I get to that, Aiden's party will probably have passed and I will also include a recap of that. So I guess, instead of blogging in real time I will be the "Recap Queen" for the next few weeks. Not my first choice, but I'll do my best. Here is the first recap of many:

My Birthday
I turned the big 2-7 on April 1st! Yes, that is April Fools day *insert joke here* ... can we move on now? ready? LOL okay... so I had a really, really fun birthday. I had really specific ideas about how I wanted to celebrate this year. Last year I was very, very pregnant and only my husband's sneakers fit me. Needless to say I did not want to go out dancing.

I did want to meet up with some friends - specifically my female friends because those relationships have grown to mean so much to me. I have had lots of ups and downs in my friendships and have learned a ton about myself for it. My beautiful friend Lacy organized a little birthday brunch for me at her place and we went out for manis and pedis. The husbands stood home!  We had cupcakes, scones, egg bake, bagels.. it was so yummy! Lacy is super creative and she really did her best to make the day special for me. She is also a super talented person all around so I didn't expect anything less than AWESOME. Check out Lacy's website here.

The coolest part about this for me - all of the girls in my life were able to make it. I have been friends with many of them for a while and it has been a goal of mine to get all these ladies together.. I was so happy it finally happened. A few of the girls really seemed to hit it off which was great. I sat in the room and had so many "aha" moments... There is so much love around me and I am so, so, so, grateful for it. It was a really fun time!

Since my birthday fell on a Sunday this year I would spend the actual day with my church family  and then with my family in the evening.  My husband brought a cake to church and I was surprised with the whole church singing Happy Birthday to me. I really, really love my church family so it was so appropriate to spend my birthday with them.

On Sunday evening we went to my mom's for dinner. She got me beautiful flowers and my aunt came over and cooked my favorite foods. I got another cake there and it was just a very relaxing night with the family.

Overall, I had a great birthday - check out some pics from my girlfriends brunch below:

Lacy's Apartment all decorated for ME.. Thank you friend.

Those are chocolate cupcakes w/ blackberry frosting and homemade blueberry scones!

Thank you all so much for being there for me!

Another Year Older: Thinking of Him ...

I think the picture on the left looks so much like Aiden! I was such a little ham!

In about a week, it's my birthday! I am always excited about my birthday (who isn't) because it is an opportunity to celebrate reaching another year of life. Life is such a blessing and my life, I can honestly say has been incredible. This year has brought so many blessings my way!

Becoming another year older also causes me to be a bit pensive. I've been thinking about all of the things I want to accomplish during my time here on earth and I've been thinking about the 27 years I've spent here... and this week, I've been thinking a lot about my Dad.

I know some pretty amazing young dads... my husband for one! I have lots of friends who have daughters and I love seeing the relationships my friends have with their girls. That Daddy-Daughter relationship is so important. I am a firm believer that if a girl has a healthy relationship with her Dad, she learns how a man should treat her and what to look for in a potential husband one day.

My journey has not been ideal in that regard. There is still so much I am dealing with but I can honestly and truly say for the first time that I feel PEACE when it comes to my dad. We still don't have a relationship... we probably chat on the phone once every couple of months. He usually isn't sober when he calls which really doesn't help the situation. My heart truly breaks for him because no matter what, I love him and want the best for him.

I don't have many memories of alone time with him... there was this one time he came to my school to see me read a book I had written.. that moment is special for me because being a writer has always been an aspiration of mine from very young.. and when my "book" was chosen to be read I was so excited. I remember going up to sit in the "author's chair" and read .. and I remember looking at my dad's face in the audience... he was BEAMING with pride. That is a wonderful moment I will always treasure.

For my own peace of mind, I need to hold on to these good moments. I need to keep pressing forward and choosing to forgive him. It is bittersweet because we cannot have a real relationship, but I understand why and I continue to pray for my Dad. My hope is that if we couldn't know each other much here on earth, that we could spend countless moments together in eternity.

Ironically, this song by John Mayer came up on my Pandora this morning:

Daughters by John Mayer

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made 

Come on, you know those shades are cool.

Young days in Arizona

With God's help and the love & support of so many wonderful people in my life... I have cleaned up the mess... and I will continually do so. "I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." - Philippians 3:13.

XO,

My Unbalanced Scale

For as long as I can remember, I have been an extremely ambitious person. I have always set out to do many things and accomplish as much as I possibly can in my life. I remember in 4th grade, we had a graduation as elementary school was coming to an end and middle school started in the 5th grade. For graduation, two recipients of the "Principal's Award" would be selected (1 boy, 1 girl) and those two would get to speak at the ceremony and represent their class. I set out to get that award and did my very best all year so that I could be the one to speak at graduation. When I was informed that I had gotten it, I was ecstatic! The only problem was, I had also auditioned to sing the national anthem at the ceremony and I could not do both. The speaker would have to sit on stage next to the Principal and the singer would come up from backstage and then go back to his or her seat. I was crushed!  I wanted so badly to do both and could not understand why they just wouldn't let me.

My teachers were trying to balance things out... give more kids a chance to be a part of the graduation ceremony but I set these goals out in front of myself and I just wanted them all.  I've learned a lot about giving everyone a chance and sharing the spotlight since 4th grade, but in many ways I am still the same in that I want to have my cake and eat it too.

I want a career, I want a ministry, I want a marriage, I want a family... I want friendships and an avid social life... I want, I want, I want! My schedule is always booked because I am that girl who says YES I'll do it and YES I can attend and YES, YES, YES! There is so much on my plate all the time and though I have some overwhelming moments, I am never one to complain that I am too full.

If my life were a scale, it would just be one thing piled onto the next ... lopsided... completely unbalanced. I take so much on and lately, my "fix" to this problem has been to sit back and do nothing instead. I guess that really isn't much of a fix is it?

Finding balance is probably the single most challenging thing I have faced in my adult life. How can I continue to strive toward my personal goals and meet all of my other obligations as a wife and mother? How can I move up in my career while still continuing my education, obtaining additional credentials in completely unrelated fields that I am passionate about, and one day write that novel I've been mulling over?

And it doesn't just end with goals... I need to find balance in so many other areas of my life as well. What about relationships? Have a built up hedges around my marriage? Do I balance time with my husband while having some alone time or time with friends? Oh and speaking of friends,  GOD KNOWS I have failed time and time again at setting appropriate boundaries and learning which friendships are right for me, who to trust with my heart, who to lean on, and who to simply stay away from. I mean, why is that so hard? And let's not even start talking about extended family relationships! I have one word for you -- IN-LAWS. Double sigh.

For 2012, I really need to balance my scale. These things are not easy and I am hoping to get my ducks in a row somewhat this year. That's why I am SO EXCITED about the new teaching series at my church called "Finding Balance". Check out the promo video below.... I sooo needed this! Are you interested in finding balance? Come check out this series at my church! I know it is going to be a blessing and just in the nick of time too!

Thanksgiving Recap

I can't believe the holiday weekend is over! Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I usually anticipate it for so long that when it finally does come, it just races by and I'm left awaiting next year with that much more excitement. I just love the time shared with family, the food, and all the preparations that begin for Christmas. Thanksgiving is so much fun and this year was pretty awesome.

We went to my aunt's house in Balston Spa, NY - about 3 hours north of the city. My hubby drove up with Aiden and my mom and brother.  I was nervous about the road trip because of the baby and I'll admit keeping him happy in the car was really tough. He hates being strapped down into his car seat and he will just start to SCREAM if he wants out. I fed him some yogurt and apple sauce on the way up and then tried to give him a little expressed milk in a bottle but he was having none of that. We pulled over so that he could nurse and then he slept the rest of the way there - THANK GOD.

My aunt prepared a beautiful dinner for us. When we arrived she had appetizers out with egg nog and apple cider. She made this awesome pumpkin dip that we had on sugar snaps and I got the recipe so I can't wait to try it. There was also an olive, roasted pepper and romano cheese spread that we had on crostini bread that was so yummy! Not to mention the deviled eggs... I love deviled eggs! After that long drive it was so easy to fill up on appetizers and it was a good thing we still had a few hours before dinner.

Baby Aiden did really well among all the familiar and not so familiar faces. It takes him some time to warm up to people but once he does, he is really a fun, delightful baby. My aunt set up a mat on the floor and we spread his toys all around and let him have some play time. I was worried about him being over stimulated but my aunt, uncle and cousins were really careful not to be "all in his face" and let him slowly warm up. He was laughing and playing with everyone soon enough! I was so happy that my aunt got some time with him... she is like a second mother to me so our bond is really special. She got Aiden an adorable outfit and some board books which I LOVE. She has a Yorkshire terrier named "Little Lady Lucinda" (yes, that's her full name) and Aiden was enamored with her! He kept following her with his eyes and reaching out to grab her. I was so nervous that he would pull her hair and she would retaliate but everyone helped keep an eye on them. I think Aiden is going to want a dog when he is older!

When it was time for dinner we said a family prayer and were ready to dig in! Turkey, potatoes, sweet potatoes, rice, veggies, it was all so good! I made a dish called "pastelon" which is sort of like a lasagna but with sweet plantains instead of pasta. Aiden had some pureed sweet potato and turkey so he got to enjoy Thanksgiving food too :)

My cousin and hubby decided after dinner that they would go do some "black Friday" shopping. I was asleep when they got back but my cousin bought a pretty nice camera so I asked him to take a few family photos of us outside. With the pine trees and snow as our back drop, the photos came out pretty good and I think they will make a great Christmas card this year!

Overall, it was a great time and I'm so thankful! Thankful for my amazing family, my husband and my sweet boy.

Our Family "Staycation"

stay·ca·tion/ˌstāˈkāSHən/
Noun: A vacation spent in one's home country rather than abroad, or one spent at home and involving day trips to local attractions.






This is my new favorite thing! I love, love, love to travel and see different places but since having the baby, travel has kind of been on the back burner. It just takes so much to get the baby ready and out of the house so I can't imagine (right now) getting organized enough to take him on a plane or out of the country. I know that lots of people do it and we will soon, but for now a "staycation" is good practice. This weekend we had such a fun one!



We went to Glen Cove, Long Island for a quick getaway and it was so relaxing! The drive from the city was under an hour and we were able to bring Aiden's play mat, his CD player with night time music, his bath time supplies and bath time book, and all that good stuff. I had read some mixed reviews about the Glen Cove Mansion but I was very happy with the accommodations. It was clean and pretty and we had a KING SIZED BED! I mean, come on... I have mentioned before that we co-sleep and Aiden pretty much takes over the bed so it was nice to have the extra space.



We enjoyed time at the indoor heated pool and a great dinner at Pub 1910... then we lounged in our room and got to bed early. Aiden woke up about twice throughout the night which is not much considering how our nights have been lately thanks to teething. Then we enjoyed the breakfast buffet - it was so yummy. I ate pancakes, eggs, bacon, oatmeal, fruit and pastries. I completely lost control and loved every moment! We mashed up some banana for Aiden at the breakfast and he was a happy camper. After breakfast we hung out around the hotel for a bit and then took the drive back into the city.

I really love Staycations =)

Losing a Loved One: My beautiful cousin-in-law Gianna

In my world of blogging, there isn't usually much holding back when I sit down to type up a post. I don't do much editing, I sit back and let the words flow and then I hit "publish" before I have much time to think about it. Writing is an outlet for me, it is a form of expression and in many ways it is my therapy so I made a promise to myself to write, and write, and write and be honest because nothing we feel is "right or wrong" it just is. Right now though, as I sit here and put my fingers to the keyboard, I am at a loss and don't know how to go about this entry at all.

This weekend was a very difficult one for my family... we lost someone who we all loved so dearly and right now, it just seems like there is no shaking the sadness, the emptiness of life without her.

My cousin Raymond and I grew up really close. Our moms are sisters and we spent lots of time together as kids. We went to a lot of the same schools and played together, did our homework together, we grew up together. Ray and his siblings Amanda and Anthony were always more than just cousins to me. They were like my brothers and sister. I spent summers over at their house and my aunt was like a second mom to me. I am just one year older than Ray and we have so many good memories of our upbringing.

In 2008 I got married and less than 3 months after my wedding, my cousin Ray got married too! He married a beautiful young woman named Gianna and though I could not make the trip to San Diego for their wedding, I was so happy that he found his soul mate and made this step in his life. Gianna and I would talk over Facebook and I got to keep up with them in their photos and updates. When I heard that Ray and Gianna were coming to NYC for a visit, I was thrilled!

We had Ray and Gianna stay over at our place and we had such a great time visiting with them. I felt an instant bond with Gianna because that's just the way she was -- her heart was so full of love for others. We laughed together and talked about God and faith because that was such a huge part of Gianna's life. She loved being a Christian and her faith shined every second I got to spend getting to know her. I noticed a change in my cousin for the better and I felt grateful ... grateful that he had found this woman and that she had been such a positive influence in his life. He was happy and I was so happy for him. Here we were -- Newly married, twenty-something couples hanging out talking about our plans for the future, our hopes and our dreams.

In the summer of 2010 I found out I was pregnant and I remember sharing the good news with my cousin. I jokingly said "Get started on that baby making so that my little one can have a cousin to play with" and he surprised me when he said "actually, we plan to start working on that soon." I was thrilled! We talked about making a trip to San Diego and getting together more often... things didn't go as we planned.

By the summer of 2011 I had given birth to my baby and Gianna was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. When I heard the news, I remember saying "oh she is gonna beat this". My cousin didn't seem worried, he was hopeful and so was I. She was only 22 years old, she was beautiful and full of life... she was going to beat this cancer and have that baby and we would all spend years making memories as a family.

The prognosis did not offer much hope and when I did a google search on "renal medullary carcinoma" I was horrified. Gianna's cancer was already at stage 4 when she was diagnosed and it would take a miracle for her to be healed. We prayed, and prayed faithfully for that miracle and she fought for her life... this weekend the battle ended. Gianna passed away leaving my cousin heart broken. I cannot explain with words the grief that I feel, the pain, the loss and most of all the helplessness. My cousin lost his young wife of just under 3 years and I wish I could do something to ease his pain. I remember walking him to the bus stop for school in the morning when we were kids and I wish we could just go back to that. I wish life wasn't so hard and I wish this wasn't so unfair.

I know that God had a plan for Gianna... I know that she is no longer in pain... and I know that God will give Ray the strength he needs to move forward. It will be a long road ahead.

Every single moment we have is a gift and we are so blessed. I wake up 5 times a night for my teething infant and i am tired and sleep deprived and I am so blessed. I pick up after a messy husband and we get on each other's nerves but we are so blessed. I don't know why Gianna's life was so short and I don't know why my cousin Raymond has to go through this but I know that life is such a gift.

I just wanna end this by asking for your help. #1) please keep Ray in your prayers and the whole family as we come to terms with this loss and #2) most young people don't think about life insurance.. Gianna was only 23 when she passed and now the family is overwhelmed with the expenses. Raymond shouldn't have to worry about money at a time like this so if you are able to provide any help, donations are being accepted here -- http://giannaspiggybank.blogspot.com/


"Life isn't measured in the breaths you take, but in the moments that take your breath away." -- Rest in peace beautiful Gianna Castro. We Love you.

Getting "New York Pizza" Ray and Gi's visit w/ the fam

California girl Enjoying the Snow

Raymond and Gianna at the Grand Canyon

Carmen Juanita Garcia de Rivera

Doesn't that name sound like something you would call a Starlet on Univision or Telemundo? Haha, it's a beautiful name and it belongs to a beautiful woman - my grandmother.

I won't go into much detail, but my grandmother is fabulous at 81 and the amazing caregiver and wife to my grandfather who is 91 and suffers from dementia. She shows me every day what it means to be a loving and faithful wife. I tell my husband all the time that he better be nice to me, or else he's off to the nursing home when he's old! LOL - kidding. My grandma is so devoted to her man and has demonstrated what it means to "love and to cherish in sickness and in health".


Right now, she is in the hospital and the doctors are still running tests but there is some swelling around her heart. I just wanna ask you all to say a little prayer for her... my grandpa misses her and needs her to be home and to tell you the truth, I just couldn't bear to see something happen to my grandmother.


I'm a firm believer in honoring the people we love NOW while we still have them and I guess I just felt like taking to my blog to say that my grandma is the most beautiful, kind, wise, funny, crazy woman I know and I am seriously blessed to have her. She is the coolest grandma ever - she is even on Facebook! Come on, you know that's pretty cool.



Help me pray that she gets better soon... I Love my Wela!



My Grandma and Grandpa

Wela being silly as usual

Fun Family Weekend

Since having a baby, there is definitely a different dynamic, something that makes our time together (the 3 of us) so special. The past few months have been a whirlwind to say the least and we've had constant visitors to see the new baby - which is awesome, I love to show him off! But, our alone time is so important and I love when we have days together as a family.

This weekend, we decided to hang out and take Aiden to the zoo. He has reached the stage where he is interested in everything around him and I do my best to make the most of that and give him as much stimulation as possible. He LOVED all the new sights the zoo had to offer! We took him to each animal and I read some of the info to him as he stared at them. He seemed most interested in the monkeys and started "talking" to them which was so cute! Whenever J.J. pulled out his camera to take a picture though, Aiden's focus would shift from the animals to the camera immediately... I sense he will be a techy geek just like his Daddy.

Aiden getting his 1st look at the monkeys

Aside from his favorite (the monkeys) he got to see a live seal show, the world of birds, and a full Madagascar exhibit. We sat on a bench and nursed, and then he napped in his stroller while Mama and Daddy checked out the Lions, Tigers, and Bears (oh my!) We are definitely going to purchase a membership so that we can take Aiden back to the zoo frequently. I love helping him explore!

On Saturday we took a trip to the supermarket and ran some errands together. We spent some special time just playing with Aiden, reading him books and making him laugh. His sleep schedule is working out really well. He is usually in bed between 7pm and 8pm and won't wake for his first feeding until about midnight. Our friends the Lopez's came over for dinner and a movie and we were able to hang out while Aiden slept the whole time.

Sunday was a rainy day so we just lounged around the apartment. Our friends the Agbai's came over for dinner and we got take-out from my favorite Chinese spot... yum! Aiden got to see their adorable 1 year old Nia and it was cool to see him interact with her.

Overall, it was an amazing weekend and it made leaving for work this morning pretty tough :(

Ohh before I forget; we also started using cloth diapers this weekend. We only have 5 diapers that we got as a gift and they've been too big for Aiden to use until now. Since we don't have a washing machine in the apartment, I have been apprehensive to give this a try but I found some great online resources and blogs of other mommies who have made this work washing the diapers by hand. Stay tuned for my follow up post about the weekend of cloth diapering. Not sure if it will stick, but it could be really nice to at least do it part-time and save some money. We'll see =)

Aiden having tummy time in his cloth diaper. They are really cute!

Father's Day 2011

Yesterday was Father's Day! I had lots of thoughts because for so many years, Father's day was not really a day I looked forward to or got excited about. Since it's always on a Sunday, there is always something special going on at church to recognize Dads. At my old church, I remember that all the fathers were asked to come up for a special prayer with their children... I was about 13 or 14 at that time and I remember just going into the bathroom and staying there until I could be sure this part of the program was over.

As a kid in school, it was hard when we made Father's Day cards and I had no one to bring it home to. I would usually just give it to an uncle or someone I loved like a father but it never felt fun or exciting. As I've gotten older, it has gotten easier to deal with.. but still, I never get excited for Father's Day. This year though, that all changed!

My husband and I were blessed with a beautiful baby boy this year and yesterday, we got to celebrate my husband's first father's day! For weeks I was planning and brainstorming to find the perfect gift and I think it was a success.

I had a personalized guitar strap made for him with our son's footprints, name and DOB printed. He loved it! Check out the pics:

He also got a homemade breakfast before we headed out to church! It was so nice to do special things to make him happy and I'm so grateful he is the father of my child. The 3 of us enjoyed a special morning alone as a family and Daddy had a great day! yay!

I love my little family!

Hope all the Dad's had a great day too =) Can't wait for next year!

My Birth Story

I did my best to keep notes but most of this is just based on what I can remember while it's still pretty fresh in my head--

My due date was Sunday April 17th and as the case with most first-time moms, the date came and went and still no baby! It's kind of frustrating when you've been waiting 9 months for something and it doesn't happen but it was also kind of a relief. I wanted to give Baby Picon all the time he needed and I so desperately wanted the birthing process to occur as naturally as possible. So, I started to distract myself and just pray that when it did happen I wouldn't be in a public place - Lol!

On the 18th I went into my doctor's office for a checkup and she decided to put me on the fetal monitor for about half hour to check out the baby's activity. This is when things got a little scary. Baby Picon was not as active as my doctor wanted to see and this can sometimes indicate that there is stress affecting the baby. She sent me to the hospital that same day for more in depth testing. After drinking some orange juice and spending about 4 hours in the hospital, they decided that the baby seemed fine but if labor did not start on it's own that week, they would induce me on Friday. I had heard many horror stories about Pitocin and was DREADING being induced. I went home and prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more that I would not have to use Pitocin to get my contractions going.

I spent Tuesday of that week at my mom's house celebrating my grandfather's 90th birthday and felt lots of movement from the baby that day. I experienced a few sharp pains but nothing substantial so I just continued to hope. The next day (Wednesday) I was at home and felt the baby move ONCE in a 4 or 5 hour period. I tried not to panic but deep down I felt that something was wrong. I drank some orange juice and layed down on my side for a while and felt nothing. I called my doctor who instructed me to go to the hospital right away. My mom drove me and I called my husband. He immediately left work. I was so scared at that point and just wanted to get my baby out! At the hospital the doctor told me that I would have to be admitted and induced early the next morning. I was still nervous about the Pitocin but decided it was more important to get my baby out safely.

That night, the doctor gave me Cervadil which is a medicine used to begin the softening of the cervix in preparation for labor. She said "order some food and get a good night's sleep while the Cervadil does it's job.. we will start the Pitocin in the morning to get your labor going." My husband went out and got some UNO's Pizza and we got cozy in my hospital room. We put on American Idol and just relaxed. In my mind, this was my last night of good sleep before the baby so I was going to enjoy it. However, things rarely work out as I plan them and my contractions started just two hours after being given the Cervadil. Around 9pm I started getting contractions that were about 5 minutes apart. They were not that intense and the nurse told me they wouldn't get any worse. If they did, she would take the Cervadil out.

By 11pm that night, the contractions were very intense but no one really thought they were (except for me of course). I tend to internalize when it comes to pain so with my husband on the hospital bed next to me, I would breath through each contraction and just try to keep my cool. I kept telling myself "April, this is nothing compared to what's coming so don't be such a punk". My husband began to realize that I was really in pain and he helped me breath through the contractions. My nurse decided to come in and check me and to my surprise I was 4 centimeters dilated! My first words to J.J. after that were "CALL MY MOM".

I was in so much pain at that point and they moved me into a delivery room. I got my epidural and have to admit it was painful but once it took affect --- HEAVEN!! I went to sleep from 2:30am until 7am and when I woke up, my water had broken. About an hour after my water broke, the nurse checked and I was fully dilated and ready to start pushing.

By this point, I decided that I wanted to put on some makeup for some reason. Don't ask me why! But I'm so glad I had been able to sleep a bit and get some strength for what was coming next-- the REAL work.

I started pushing at 9am and at first, it was kind of hard because I didn't feel the "urge" very strongly. I decided not to click my epidural button anymore and let the pain actually work toward something. That did the trick! I started to gain momentum and the pushing started really progressing. I could feel the baby lowering and as he did, the urge became even stronger. At this point, I was mentally in a place of "I CAN DO THIS" and I kept telling myself "April, you were made for this!". My husband, mom and mother-in-law were in the room and I just kept hearing "WOW April you're doing great" and those encouragements kept me going. Around 10:30am, it started getting really, really hard! I've been told that pushing a baby out feels like the biggest "#2" of your life but I beg to differ! It did not feel like I was doing a #2 at all.. it felt like I was pushing a human being out of me! LOL.

For me, this was probably the most painful part. One of my friends described it best as "The ring of fire" and that's exactly what I felt. At this point I had to go somewhere else mentally to get through it. I could barely hear the people in the room now and all I could do was pray. "God, help me" is what I kept repeating and I started singing songs in my mind. I remember feeling like I was about to give up and screaming pretty loud when I heard my amazing nurse Lisa's voice. She said something along the lines of "April, look at me" and I did. She told me not to give up and that I could do this. This woman was such a great nurse and she saved me! I didn't hear anyone's voice but hers. She looked at me and then looked at the clock and said "So do you want your baby to be born at 11am?" I remember feeling a sudden burst of energy right at that moment and responding "let's do this."

Aiden Kyle Picon was born at 11:01am. It turns out he had the umbilical chord wrapped around his neck 3 TIMES and this is probably why I hadn't felt him moving as much. It was such a relief to see him and know he was safe. I immediately started crying and remember my husband kissing my head and saying he loved me. Then I waited to hear Aiden's cry and it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. He was here and somehow, I had done it! Lisa (my nurse) came up to me and she said "April, you are A LOT stronger than you think you are."

.. and that is what I learned from this. I have what it takes to be a mom and I am STRONG. I am going to love and protect Aiden for as long as I am here on this earth and this taught me that I can do it. God gave me strength that day and I know now that I am going to rock at this mother thing! I'm just sayin ;)

XO,

"Count your Blessings April " -- My Mom

Okay so today was my birthday! I am sure that around this time next year, I will be too busy planning my son's first birthday (we are going to share a month) to even care about celebrating my own... so this one was kind of important to me. Still, planning my son's is going to take the cake! Ha, no pun intended =)

Anyway, I'm not going to lie - there was a bit of sadness for me today. I am used to celebrating every year with friends and this year I didn't even get a "happy birthday" from most of those same friends. What I've been learning the past few months is that I can't just WANT... I have to be WANTED too and I'm learning to embrace and accept that. It's just hard when you think that friendships are stronger than they actually are.... maybe than they actually ever were. It sort of feels like it was all a lie and makes you feel dumb to have fought so much for someone and when it is their turn, they aren't willing to fight for you. Today, on my birthday I couldn't help but feel that sadness and mourn a little for those relationships... but then my mom said something to me: --- "COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS APRIL" ---> she really is smart isn't she??

So, though I don't "list post" very often, I decided that I am going to do just that. Because today I had a really great birthday and I am so very blessed.. Really I am!!! And I won't let sadness over a few people who don't want me to overshadow all the LOVE I felt from the loads of people who do! Love, family, friendships are so abundant in my life and I am so grateful to God for that.


1) A SAVIOR -- Waves of mercy, waves of grace, everywhere I look I see your face! I am blessed to know that I don't have to be perfect, that in my weakness he is strong and that he already paid the price so that I don't have to. That no-matter what, he LOVES me more than anyone ever will.

2) My husband --- yea, that's right I got a man! I come home to an extraordinary person every single day. I don't have to be anyone but myself with him... I don't have to try too hard... he just loves me for me. He stood up and made vows to love me forever and I am the luckiest girl alive. He respects me, and values me and sees my heart. He is a real partner and friend. Today, he sent me to a Maternity Spa for a massage, leg treatment and facial! And bought me strawberry cheesecake from my new favorite pastry shop - Enrico's. He showed me his love on my birthday but more than that he demonstrates his love for me every single day. I thank God that I have been blessed with this man and I am beyond thrilled to be carrying a part of him -- our son.

3) My Mom -- she was the inspiration behind my post today. She has taught me what sacrificial love is and she exemplifies Christ to me on a daily basis. She is patient, loving and understanding and she loves me unconditionally. I can tell her ANYTHING and I do. We have always talked about everything and I am so grateful for the bond that we have shared. I know some young women who don't talk to their moms about what is on their heart and that just makes me appreciate what I have so much. My mom is my best friend and today, she did so much to make my day special.

4) My Family -- I have a huge family so I won't go into details with names but I am grateful for all of them. My in-laws were here today and I am grateful to have married in to such a close, fun, and crazy family =) My aunts, uncles, cousins both near and far called, texted, emailed, Facebooked to show me their love on my birthday and it is so special to know I have been thought of. My beautiful niece left me a voice-mail and sang "happy birthday" to me. There is just nothing that matters more than my family.

5) My Church Family -- New Season Christian Center! I can't describe with words the blessing these people are in my life. I have found an amazing group of women who have supported me throughout my pregnancy with their advice, their love, and prayers. I have gained a new group of friends in the awesome worship team.. I have gotten to know other couples, singles, and some amazing kids. I got some touching messages and words of love from these people today and many birthday wishes I will never forget.

6) Girlfriends-- I had an awesome (and yummy) LADIES night in the city with my wonderful friends this week... young married women like me who have given me so much support and love that I have much needed. I got a special visit from a friend who brought me Girl Scout Cookies just because I was craving them and she wanted to make me happy :) I got yellow roses from another friend and a mani/pedi gift card handmade by her! I got a voicemail from a lovely friend in Queens who has been there for me and worn her heart on her sleeve. I have learned so much to value my relationships with other women and in the last few months GOD HIMSELF has sent some ladies into my path that have been such a blessing.

7) Guy Friends -- Ya know what I love about my guy friends? They are so simple and they don't get caught up in drama. LOL. I have been blessed by their consistency and that in itself is just amazing. They are fun and make me laugh and laughter really is the best medicine.

8) My Job -- throughout this whole pregnancy and especially the doctor's orders for me to stay on bed rest.. my company has been amazing and I am so grateful to have the option of working from home while I get ready to welcome Baby Picon into the world. I got a birthday card from my co-workers today and really appreciated that. God has provided this job for me and I am blessed!

9) Health -- God really knows what he is doing when making our bodies! I have seen that TRULY in the last 9 months. Even though pregnancy takes a toll, I am grateful that I have good health and strength to carry this child.

10) A beautiful apartment, food on the table, NO debt, bills paid, and savings --- Materially speaking, God has provided and I know that nothing I have is because of me. We have made steps this year that I am so grateful we have had the chance to make and I thank God for his provision.

=) Annnnddd my 26th year is bringing the biggest blessing yet -- the birth of my son! Who really needs more? What can I say I am missing? How can I be sad? When I count my blessings it is evident that there is just so much more reason to DANCE than to mourn. That my ashes have been traded in for BEAUTY and that my despair is no longer because I have been given a garment of PRAISE. (Isaiah 61:3)

Happy Birthday to me! And thanks to all of you who care and who made it special. You have no idea what that meant to me especially this year!

Xo,

Showers of Love! -- my Baby shower was today :)

I thought that I would take to my blog while the emotion is still fresh and while I am still on this incredible "high" from all the love and support that I was surrounded with today. My amazing mom, mother-in-law, sister-in-law and friend planned a beautiful "lunchtime" Baby Shower and I was blown away! More than 60 people came to show their love and celebrate the much anticipated arrival of my little man. I know that many say I am a "mother to be" but with this little guy living and growing inside of me, I can say that I AM a mother... and as a mother, there is nothing more important than when people show their love for my child. How anyone wants to treat me is honestly on the back burner compared to how you treat my son. Today, I saw that my baby is truly LOVED by many and I feel so blessed to know that.

The space was a beautiful, well lit room on the top floor of an apartment building with views of the city below. We could see the Empire State Building from the window! Pretty cool :) They decorated in an adorable monkey theme which is funny cause we call Baby Picon our little "spider-monkey". We played "Hot-banana" (as opposed to hot-potato) to complement the theme. There were baby pictures of me and my husband on all the tables and guest favors were adorable lollipops and lip-balms. My mother-in-law even hand made some adorable monkey ears for me and my husband to wear which were so funny and cute!

Our family was there, our wonderful church family, and some dear friends. The simple act of these people taking the time from their day to come and show their support means more than words can express. Baby Picon got lots of presents that I know will be put to good use!

My favorite part was reading the sincere, touching words that people wrote on cards for us. Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely LOVE cards and I can spend hours in a Papyrus or Hallmark store. There's just something about receiving a card that I enjoy even more than receiving a gift. The words that were shared today are really stuck on my heart and I am so grateful for those who took the time to write out a card for us. One of my friends from church put together a gift basket for us with a poem and pictures of us and a sonogram picture of Baby Picon! How awesome is that? It really means so much when people take time to prepare something... I have never felt so special because I know it's this little person inside of me who is the special one.

Overall, everything was put together in so much detail and I am ALL ABOUT THE DETAILS! So I really, truly appreciate every ribbon that was tied, every gift wrapped, every sentiment expressed and I will forever remember this day.

To my mommy and mother-in-law --> I hope that I can be HALF the mother that you both are! Your sacrificial love and commitment to always be there and go "above and beyond" for us is the greatest blessing in our lives and I know that this has been a trying year for you both but you still made this celebration happen! Baby Picon is so lucky to have you as grandma's. And we are beyond blessed to have you. Love you both so much!

To my sister Jasmine --> The perfectionist! I could see your touches in many of the details today and that's what I love most about you - you show your love in all the details. I know that you put so much heart and love into planning this event and for that I am so grateful. Baby Picon has the best Titi ever! WE love you!

To my wonderful friend Caroline --> Okay, I have to say that I never imagined we'd come to be so close and honestly, when Jay and I were discussing who would be the God-parents, you and Esteban were a "no brainer". Sometimes we think that we know who will be there for us during the milestones of our lives and when they actually come around, we get some awesome surprises! You have been such a good friend and support system throughout this pregnancy and I am confident that our baby will feel your love and support throughout his life as well. I know how much effort went into planning the shower... it was all so wonderful! Thank you so much! I love you :)

For everyone who was there today, I love you all so much! Thank you!

XO,
~A