2 Months Left of 2011: A look in the rear view mirror

This is one of those posts that just sort of happened... just started to pour out of me and my fingers touched the keyboard and the words started to flow and here we are. Because what I originally planned to post today was all about our plans for the holidays and a few getaways we are going on this month and all the awesomeness just around the corner... but for some reason, while reading my devotions this morning on the bus and while quietly reflecting and praying, I looked into the rear view mirror of this year and I guess a huge part of getting where I am going is remembering where I have been.


2011 had so much to offer me. So much that I'd been anticipating and awaiting with excitement and joy... and so much that I had never expected that totally blindsided me and broke my heart. I seriously have never experienced so much JOY and so much heartbreak in the same year but 2011 was determined to give me both and grow me in the process.


Sometimes, it seemed like the timing of things was the worst possible... but now as I look back, I am grateful because I don't know how I would have gotten through some serious heartbreak if not for that very timing.


As I was getting ready to welcome my son into our family and experience the beauty of motherhood, I was also being hurt by some people I loved so much. I literally had to grieve the loss of a very special person in my life (which somehow, through this loss, about 3 other bridges were burned unexpectedly -- when it rains it pours) while at the same time carrying a miracle inside of me. I was aware of the impact my emotions would have on my unborn child and I am just so grateful to GOD for the love in my life at that time. My amazing husband, my mother and a few friends I would have NEVER expected, acted as a seal, a protective fence around me and I know that God was using these people to show me that he still had me in his embrace. That no matter how difficult it was to experience the feelings of betrayal and loss that I had, it was necessary and it was all a part of a greater plan for my life.


I had never felt so alone, but at the same so loved and I know that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense... but it's the best way I can describe it. It isn't in my nature to be vague, it isn't who I am to not express freely but I am actually having a hard time with this. I want very much to continue to heal and let go and learn to love those who have hurt me. You see, I value my relationships so much and a lot of the richness of my life I attribute to my relationships... because at the end of this all, it isn't going to be about what my career was, or the places I had traveled to, or the house I lived in... at the end of this all, it is going to be about those who I LOVED and those who also loved me. My legacy will be in my relationships, in the lives I was able to touch and those who touched mine.


Slowly but surely, I am finding peace... slowly but surely, I have forgiven and slowly but surely, I am healing. Honestly, it is having my son that has given me the strength to move forward and it is God's grace that has helped me rise above and not succumb to depression as I probably would have a few years ago. I may not be where I need to be, but I am NOT where I used to be. That my friends, is called growth!


God knows, that when I love someone, I love all the way. My husband once told me that something he loves about me is how I love others... he said "I can see it in your eyes, and you're not playing games, you're for real!" That is probably the most encouraging thing someone has said to me. I am so very aware of my flaws and imperfections... but I am sure of my heart and where I stand... and I am proud of who I am becoming. A better ME every single day. If someone wants to be in my life and reap the benefits of my love, then they will make that effort, and if not then they won't and I will be at peace with that also... even if at times when looking in the rear view mirror, it hurts :/



I love how T.D. Jakes said it:


" The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

"People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. "



For 2012 and the rest of 2011 (because why wait until a new year to start) that is my "theme". No trying to raise the dead!

I know this post seems kind of somber... sorry about that folks. But I'll end with some pictures and highlights of awesome times in 2011 =)