Impossible Layers

Have you ever gotten to the point where sadness constantly lingers and your heart aches but you can't pinpoint exactly why? I'll tell you why... it's the layers...

And when I say layers, I mean the events, the words, the actions that hurt and were then buried over time... in hopes that they would go away but they don't. They build, one on top of the other like the sedimentation of rock and minerals at the earth's surface. The result is a strong, sturdy bed of rock that although looks and feels like one solid piece... was actually built in layers.

Impossible layers...  layers that have come together so well and you can't figure out how to break them apart. Layers that overwhelm and confuse you to the point where it just doesn't feel worth it to get out of bed in the morning. Sadness is all about the layers.

I was reading the bible this morning because these layers are just impossible. The only thing that has a fighting chance of penetrating them are the very words of God himself. The words that are quick, powerful, sharper than a two-edged sword that pierces into the dividing asunder of the soul and spirit...  piercing...the very thought of that piercing is like a rope slowly being lowered into a hole of blackness. That powerful, sharp piercing that can make it through even the most impossible of layers.

Maybe they aren't so impossible after all...

 Matthew 19:26 - Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Catch Up Post: Holidays and Family Traditions

Why, HELLO Blog world! Have I missed you!

With the new position at work, my personal writing, family, and ministry projects it has been nearly impossible to find blogging time but I wanted to touch base and also ramble a bit about the Holidays.

Thanksgiving was wonderful!! We spent most of the day at our church serving a Thanksgiving meal to the community. Nearly 200 people came and were fed a warm meal that day. We also had a mini pantry so that they can take groceries home, live music, crayons and coloring sheets for the kids.. it was so much fun to be a part of. Here are some pics from that event:

All ready to get started. Green Beans!!

Awesome team of servers.

After church, we went to my mom's for dinner and some family time.  My aunt is visiting from Arizona so it was nice to spend a Thanksgiving with her after so many years. I can truly say that I am thankful for so much and it was amazing to be able to give back on this day. It really made me start to think about my little family and the traditions we are starting with Aiden. He is 19 months old now - such a big boy!

I want to make sure that we teach him to give back and perhaps make it a Thanksgiving tradition to volunteer or help out in some way. I think it is an important thing to teach him so I look forward to serving with my husband and our son in the future.

And speaking of traditions... what are your holiday traditions? I have so many that I grew up with and ever since creating a family of my own, we have been working on incorporating our old traditions but also coming up with some brand new ones! The beauty of family traditions are that you can enjoy them as a family. One thing I don't want are for my traditions to become a routine or even worse.. an obligation. What we do, should always be out of LOVE and not a sense of feeling obligated to attend a function or guilted into it for that matter.  I would hate for Aiden to grow up and feel like he "has no choice" but to come  home for the Holidays. I want him to have fond memories of the Holidays and his traditions as a child... it's time to make memories!!

For Christmas Eve, we will be letting Aiden open up gifts from extended family and friends. Eventually, this will happen at midnight but while he is still a baby, he can open gifts before bed. We'll have dinner and some fun and maybe we'll even leave cookies and milk out for Santa :)

On Christmas morning, we will have a family breakfast and open up gifts together under the tree. Aiden can get his gifts from "Santa" (mama and dada) and we can spend the day in our PJ's, just us.

Our Tree- Christmas 2012 :)

I'd like to eventually start some Holiday activities together... maybe an art project or a favorite recipe we create together. Who knows... but for now, I think our traditions are starting to shape up. I am so very grateful for my little family and the opportunity to celebrate and be together during these special times. I just LOVE the holidays!!

Catch ya later,
~A

I was Sweet Sixteen...

I wasn't feeling well and decided to stay home from school that day...  I still planned to make it to my part-time job at a law firm a few towns away. I woke up and smelled coffee that my grandfather had made and headed to the kitchen to grab a cup. My grandmother was sitting in front of the television, crying and holding her face in her hands. Immediately, I felt a sense of "something is very, very wrong". When I asked her what was the matter, she pointed to the television and there it was...


A plane had crashed into the world trade center... the twin towers...  people were scrambling, desperate to make it out... even jumping from  the building. My heart threatened to come right up out of my chest and my knees started to buckle. How could something like this happen? I thought we were safe here?

After the shock settled in, I realized something even scarier than all of this ... my mother was working on 17th street in Manhattan. My mom had gone to work that morning and we hadn't heard from her. I picked up the phone, fumbled over the keypad and typed in her office number. Busy... busy...  I tried her cell phone... busy... I tried to call my boyfriend's phone... busy...  I couldn't  get in touch with anyone and I had no idea what was going on outside my home.

Were we under attack?
Would more buildings be destroyed?
Who was doing this?

My mind and heart racing, I started to get dressed. I would take my grandmother's car and drive into Manhattan (I had no license) if that is what it took. I would find my mom and bring her home. Hysterical, tears flowing down my face I finally remembered that I could pray.

That was one of the first conversations I had ever had with God where I really wasn't sure he was listening... where I really doubted him ...  Even through all the turmoil of my childhood, I had that innocent blind faith in God and knew he would take care of me and my family... this time, I wasn't so sure.

The truth is, God did take care of my family that day. My mom walked 6 hours from Manhattan along with countless others that day. She was safe.. my loved ones were safe and no-one I knew died in the towers that day. But still, too many of my fellow New Yorkers did... too many lost a Mother, or a Father... a Son or a Daughter...  and we would never be the same.

The truth is, God did take care of all of them too... even if not in the way we would have chosen. He holds this world in the palm of his hands and it is not always easy, but we have to choose to believe that.  For those lost and for ourselves... we can't loose faith, we can't stop saying as a nation --  "In God we Trust".

Never forget September 11th, 2011 ... but never lose FAITH... he is present, he is constant, he will never leave us.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you. (Isaiah 26:3)

Free Haircut - shortest of my life!

I just needed to quickly take to my blog because today I got a SHORT haircut!  It was part of a class being offered for hairstylists at the L'Oreal studio in Soho. I saw a Facebook post a few weeks ago, that the studio was looking for hair models. You basically volunteer to come sit, let a stylist go scissor happy on your hair and in return you get a free haircut and a goodie bag of products. I sent my picture in to be considered and what do you know... they picked me!

It's kind of silly because I was conflicted about this all weekend. I have never had my hair shorter than my shoulders and I just knew they were going to want to go short with it. I've always wanted to try a shorter style but have never had the guts to go above the shoulder.

The instructor of the class was very convincing... very British... and very fabulous. He basically went around to each hair model and informed us what type of style would go with our face. He terrified me! LOL

But I decided that if I signed on for this experience, I would go with the flow and let them do their thing. I  had an amazing stylist who was from Philadelphia and he made me feel very comfortable. He kept asking me throughout my haircut "are you okay?" because I continued to fidget nervously in the chair as he snipped away.

It took about 3 hours which was annoying but overall, a really, really, fun experience and I would so do it again! I love my haircut too! 

Shameless self pic in the bathroom =)

 I am signed up to their mailing list for future events... interested? Hit me up!

Happy Monday people!

The truth is never easy

Ya know, I am far from perfect... and at times, I am far from honorable, or good.... but there is one thing I simply have never been able to stray too far from... the truth.

I have always been true to who I am and true to how I feel. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, I don't pretend anything actually. Pretending is just too hard and I don't honestly understand why people do it. Why sweep things under the rug and pretend that everything is dandelions? That kind of life must be exhausting. I just can't do it. And honestly, I find it very difficult to respect people who do. Scratch that, I DO NOT respect or trust people who do. Sorry.

The truth is never easy... and I get why sometimes we just don't want to face it. But sitting down and speaking truthfully (though painful as it might be at times) is a stepping stone to something even better - to wholeness. And isn't being whole... and I don't mean being "civil" or being "courteous" I mean being truly whole again... isn't being whole so much better?

I may be a lot of things.. and trust me, I am not always good things... but fake... fake is NEVER one of them.   The truth is never easy.... but easier is not always better. Actually, it hardly ever is.

~A

Babies: The New Fashion Accessory?

ac·ces·so·ry/akˈses(ə)rē/

A thing that can be added to something else in order to make it more useful, versatile, or attractive.

In a society that values appearance and how much of something we have, it can be very easy to get caught up in the need for more. We want all the latest and greatest accessories to add to our lives because everyone else has them too! From gadgets, to fashion, to homes, to cars, to .... even babies? 

Lately, it feels like babies are the hottest new accessory and I simply cannot find all the words that describe how uncool with that I am. Pregnancy and babies are all over in the media - celebrity babies are constantly on magazine covers and the whole "getting pregnant and having a baby" thing is glorified to the umpteenth power. Now, please don't get me wrong - having a baby is a beautiful, amazing, glorious thing but it almost feels like it is also the TRENDY thing to do. When did the decision to bring a human being into the world become a trend? 

Some popular celebrity baby magazine covers 

 And please, again, don't get me wrong - these celebrities have the right to celebrate their babies... by all means, go ahead and celebrate! But could this be a fad? Could it be that babies are popular right now, celebrities are interesting so 1+1 equals a gazillion magazines sold?  People even has a whole section of their magazine called celebrity babies where you can see who is due next in a handy dandy calendar. I mean, come on people!

My problem with this - is just like any "must have" accessory that is splashed all over magazine covers, young women everywhere are falling for it and caving into the pressure to get pregnant BEFORE THEY ARE READY. 

Parenting is a lifetime responsibility... the decision to bring a child into this world that you will be providing for - a child who needs to eat (whether you have eaten or not), needs an education (whether you have one or not), needs healthcare (whether you have sick days or not), needs a roof (whether you have a place of your own or not) and unconditional love (whether you are having a good day or not) is a heavy decision to make! 

When I found out I was pregnant, I had been married for almost three years... I was in a healthy, thriving marriage Thank GOD with a wonderful man who works hard and is intelligent and responsible. I had my college degree, I had a stable job, I had a good support system --- I was terrified and did not feel ready.  My plan was to wait until I had been married 5 years, to travel, to do a few things first but Aiden was coming regardless. 

Aiden has been the most wonderful surprise of my life... he is better than any plan I have ever made and then some... but parenting is hard, hard work. I  have not slept an entire night in 14 months, I have a little person who constantly needs me, and I hardly ever get a moment to myself. Sometimes I cry out of exhaustion and my mommy friends can all attest. It ain't easy! 

I wish that teenagers and young people who read magazines would really think about the severity of becoming a parent before deciding to do so. Being pregnant is "so cute" and babies are treated almost like little dolls and it truly sickens me. I know that sounds severe but when I am constantly hearing news of pregnancies and babies...I can't help but wonder - "do they know how hard it is?" 

Getting prepared for a baby is more than buying a pack-n-play and diaper genie. Getting prepared means being emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially ready to take on this huge responsibility. The biggest job of your life! Being married and self-sustaining, I have found it to be the hardest (and yes, most rewarding) thing I have ever attempted. I could not imagine doing it without a supportive partner, without an income, without a drinking age ID card! 

Disclaimer: I know that teen pregnancies happen... I know many amazing young women (some of my own relatives) who have come up strong from a teen pregnancy, who have been successful, outstanding mothers and have learned from the experience. This is not what I am referring to in this blog post. I am talking about young girls who intentionally make the decision to get pregnant because it is the trendy thing to do.This also does not only apply to teenagers.

There are so many things that can fill our lives... that can be added to our lives (accessories) to make us have a more rich life experience. But a baby? No, a baby is NOT an accessory. Think about it people, please... just think about it. 

On a lighter note -- No, he is not a fashion accessory but he is cute huh?! LOL

I'm not much of a blogger lately...

You guys! I have missed blogging so much!!! Where has the time gone? There are a ton of things I have been dying to take out on the keyboard but there has just been no time... no time... until NOW =)

So what's been going on with me? I just got back from a family vacation in California & Arizona. The hubster, the babe, and I went along with my mother for a trip to visit family and go to Disneyland... that sort of thing. I have a niece who is 13 years old now who I hadn't seen in years so that in itself was what made the trip all worth it. We had so much fun hanging out with her and I would totally post pics but since my blog is public and I haven't cleared it with her mom, I won't.

Anyway, we left on Friday the 15th and got back yesterday morning. Aiden was such a trooper on the airplane. We had a connecting flight on our way there and a direct flight on the way back. He did great on both with minimal tears. He did get upset a few times because he wanted to get out of his seat but overall he did great. Nursing made the take off and the descending a lot easier on him and we had no issues with discomfort in his ears. Yippee!

The entire vacation was pretty much "get up and go" and visiting family I hadn't seen in years which was great. We had my mom along and she is always a tremendous help with the baby but for some reason, he was super clingy to me. The boy did not let me out of his sight. I started calling him "my shadow" because every time I left a room, Aiden would follow. If I went into the bathroom he would knock at the door and since we got back this has not stopped. I do not know what to do about this people! I get it that he was out of his usual environment and lots of people were around... he had an absolute blast with all the kids that were around but so long as I was in eye's reach.

Overall it was really a fun week away but I am so exhausted. I need a real LAZY getaway soon with just my hubby and baby. I love my family and everything but sometimes you just need to get away... that plan is in the works already.

We did have a lazy beach day... my two boys enjoyed playing in the sand

Besides the vacation, I have been working on another writing project so the time for blogging has been scarce. I will have to remain vague on this because it is still in the works and writing is sacred to me. But details will come eventually!

Work has been insanely busy... I spent the whole first two weeks of June getting things ready before I left for vacation and now that I am back, I will actually have a lull few days. I have been contemplating my career in the recent month especially in regards to corporate America and office politics. Somehow, my need to pay the bills and provide enough for my family always wins over my need to be happy and fulfilled with my life's work. It is just the work ethic that was engrained in me -- you do what you have to do... you commit and stick it through no matter what. I admit, I am growing weary of that approach and am looking for guidance. As I approach my 30's, I know I want to find a way to do what I LOVE while still providing for my family. So far, I have no ideas but if you have any advice, I'd love to hear it.

Speaking of what I love...  I cannot wait to go back to church. I missed my church family while I was away immensely and I especially missed the ministry work I am involved in.. I am currently teaching our "connection course" which is a class for newcomers to the church and the new cycle just started a few weeks ago. I taught the whole previous cycle and absolutely LOVED it so I am excited to teach this new one. It is so great to  get to know the new people and connect with them in such a unique way. The young adult ministry has also been amazing and I love, love, love those young people. We are going out bowling this weekend and it will be great to just spend time with my YA peeps. Yay!

Ok well, that is all for now.. I have lots of topics brewing and posts to come soon on:

*Traditions and Faith - when religious traditions are valued more than what REALLY matters

* Office Culture-"I'll meet you after 7th period" - have we truly left high school?

* Energy Vampires - those who suck the energy out of the room.

*Christian Facebook pages - are you a christian or is your facebook page?

*Weaning - I think it might be time and I have no idea how to go about it

*Summer Plans - We got a membership to the Wildlife Conservation Society and plan to make the most of the hot months in NYC. 

AND much, much, more... Stay tuned people! I have missed all of you in the blogging world =)